11 years ago today was by far one of the worst days of my entire life. What took place the night before and the result that was caused was so devastating I'm not sure I can bring myself to really type about it. I've only spoke about it with a few chosen people, it's just so personal. Am I holding on to anger and bitterness in this situation? No. I've let go of that and moved on as far as this goes. It's just that the memories break my heart sometimes.
If on that day, you had told me I would be here happily married to a good man with 4 children, I would have doubted it to ever happen. I felt as though all my dreams were crushed. I wasn't even sure I deserved to be happy as I must have done something to deserve all the horrible things that were taking place. (I later woke up and realized I did nothing, whatsoever, that would justify what had happened to me.) I questioned God as to why he was allowing this all to happen, to strip my motherhood from me before I had even held a child in my arms. To have the person who was supposed to care for me more than anyone betray me and cause such pain. It's all so clear now, though. I will never forget my Grandma telling me "Just give it time, you're going to look back at this, and while it's still going to hurt, you are going to be so happy it happened now instead of later. It will all make sense then." Thank you, Jesus, because she was so right. (She almost always was, after all.)
Some things I've learned, whether directly through this circumstance or during reflection in the time since, are:
That there is truth to the statement God will never give us more than we can handle.
While trials I've been through over the years have been pretty tough, there is always going to be someone who is worse off.
Even when I feel all alone, as though no one even hears my prayers, Jesus is there. Just waiting for the right time.
Abuse, miscarriages, deceit, betrayal, & infidelity are all horrible hurtful things, but putting faith in God can almost make you forget the pain of it all.
There is nothing like finding your true love, and NO ONE should settle for less than the best. If you can see yourself living happily without them in the future, then it's probably not meant to be. As my Aunt told me, "If in 10 years you don't see them, don't waste your time now."
Will I ever forget February 23rd, 1999? Never. Have I grown from what happened? Yes. Life has been so much easier since I was able to stop, look back, and see the big picture... and while it was tough at the time, it's only a memory now. Besides, it just makes Heaven that much sweeter... And now here I am, with a great marriage, amazing husband, and the best kids anyone could ask for. All is much better than expected... as a matter of fact, it's a dream come true.
Regardless, this song really speaks to me. I think the lyrics speak for themselves. I often find myself singing it since the first time I heard it months ago. Gotta love it...
Song: Free To Be Me Album: My Paper Heart Artist: Francesca Battistelli
At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can’t always see
(Chorus)
‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me
When I was just a girl I thought I had it figured out
My life would turn out right, and I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt
(Chorus)
And you’re free to be you
Sometimes I believe that I can do anything
Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and You tell me
That I've got all You seek
And it’s easy to believe
Even though
1: This blog is based solely on my experience and/or opinion. This is just how this situation affected me, and it may not affect anyone else in the same way. I am not looking to "talk trash" about any one company or person. Just relating my adventure out to the world.
2: This blog is about my recent experience over the course of 4 months with an IUD. An IUD is an intrauterine device... used for birth control...In case you still aren't grasping this... I'm going to be writing about a piece of equipment that was installed in my uterus to keep me from getting pregnant. If you can not handle hearing the details of this, please do not read.
So, on with the show...
There I was, 6 weeks after Johnny was born at my postpartum check up, faced with the question I had been dreading to hear my Dr. ask. "What would you like to do for birth control?" Why do I hate this question, you ask? Well, I'll tell you... because NOTHING works.
- Pills? They have either failed in the past, meaning I got pregnant, or it would send me into a strange depression, or cause me to have other complications. (Constant spotting, weight gain, massive acne (worse than usual), migraines, etc.) No, I didn't just need to try a different brand. I've been on at least 10 different prescriptions for birth control pills. Possibly more.
- Nuva-ring? Ugh, I hated that one. (Remind yourself I warned you about TMI) First few months were okay, then 2 months in a row I had HORRIBLE cramping with Nuva-ring, but light bleeding for the first few hours... then suddenly I would feel dizzy, nauseated - eventually vomiting, and as though my uterus were in a vice when I would suddenly shed what seemed to be my entire uterine lining at once. Just one huge clot. Obviously, I refused to continue using that.
- Depo-provera? I was sick/bleeding the entire time the shot was effective. It was believed I possibly had a miscarriage during the use also. But keep in mind when I say sick, I mean Dr's sending me in for lab work every week trying to figure out what was wrong with me, losing 20lbs and then gaining 40, swollen spleen and liver, & massive body aches and pain among other things. Not just sick with the sniffles. Sick.
- Rhythm method? Sure... until I realized I was a forgetful clutz and would forget to track dates and temperatures.
- Condoms, film, spermicide, etc... Well, looks like that's my only option now...
- I should also mentioned that none of my children were planned. Two of them there were "talks" of having a baby in the near future, but no active trying. In fact, it was being prevented every time. That should give you an idea as to why this whole subject is just not a fun one for me.
I sit there with my Dr and we go over all of these options. He says it's clear with my reaction to the pills I should not be taking anything with hormones, and should have never tried the other hormone methods as they do the same thing. Then he says what my ears always were scared but excited to hear... "How about we try a copper IUD?"
For years I've looked into IUDs. They both terrified me and yet seemed so liberating. Nothing to remember, complete freedom. But yet... it's a copper appliance inside your uterus and that just seems so strange. How is it not painful? I talked to a few people I knew with them in the past and they always said they loved them... but then there were those reviews I'd read on the internet that referred to them as torture devices... and that risk of a perforated uterus... and though these are completely different than the copper IUDs that turned women's insides into mush a couple decades ago, how do we know just how safe they really are? Oh, the torment of debating this back and forth... but going with this seemed to be my last option other than barrier methods and going back to counting/charting. I sat and stared... "I want to go with this, but I'm scared!" My Dr laughed, mocked me, and then asked the million dollar question: "Scared of what? The pain of insertion? Would you rather go through the pain of another childbirth?"
Obviously, I agreed, accepted a pamplet on Paragard (the brand name of the IUD) and went on my merry way. 2 weeks later it was inserted. Oh my good Lord in Heaven... I'm not cursing or saying God's name in vain, I'm literally saying I wouldn't have made it through that without crying if I had not been praying. After I was dizzy and had to lay down for about 20 minutes on the exam table. When I got up and dressed to leave, the nurse asked me to please stay and rest a little longer, as I apparently looked very pail. Since my Mom was driving me I felt safe to go ahead and go.
The what I thought at the time was intense cramping lasted about 2-3 days. Like a really bad period, but I thought it was worth it. The bleeding stopped on day 7. After that, everything seemed to be going great. Went in for my check up to make sure insertion went well and that there was no infection 4 weeks later. All was going great, I had no complaints....
That is until the next week, the day after Thanksgiving, when I started my first period. I was floored. Couldn't hardly move. I had been warned that the pain/flow of menstruation could increase, even dramatically, with the IUD, but I didn't realize it would be like this. After a day, I was feeling better, and decided to push through it and go on out and get my Thanksgiving sale shopping done. A couple days go by, and my hormones seem to be severely off balance. I'm usually emotional during this time of the month, but this was insane. The pain wasn't letting up, and after 6 days it was getting worse. I finally gave in and went to urgent care where I was given pain meds and told to take it easy. The Dr there suggested I just have it removed, but I felt that after all that trouble I needed to give it a few months. What a mistake!
That was November. Between then and early February I was bleeding 2 weeks out of every 4. My energy levels most of the time were at a complete low. What little energy I had went to taking care of my 2 young boys. Some days Bobby had to work from home or use sick days to care for me and the little ones. I had already made an appointment with my Dr for February to just give up and have it taken out. I was done... but then I ended up worse and in the emergency room with pain at a level of 9-10/10, vomiting, light headed, and other symptoms. I just wanted the ER Dr to take it out, but he didn't feel comfortable doing so. I was given shot of morphine, more pain killers to take home, something to stop the vomiting, and the suggestion to not do much. You know, because I was out running marathons and climbing mountains all this time.
On the day of my removal, I was nervous and scared. My Dr asked, "Is it just not working out for you?" I replied, "I would rather give birth than to deal with this. Having 4 more kids would be easier than this!" He said "Well, okay then. Sorry about that." What more could he say, though, right?
Surprisingly, it all went well. No pain. No bleeding. Just a sudden feeling of relief, as though my body had been trying to rid itself of it the entire time. (Kind of a no brainer that it had been, right?) My Dr warned me that it may take my cycle a few months to get back to "normal" as far as the pain level/flow is concerned. Well, here I am, first cycle. Pain is worse than what my periods were before, but NOTHING compared to having satan's tool of torture in my womb. (That was my pet name for my IUD... some might name theirs something cute like Betsy or Penny, this was what I named mine. STOT for short.) I am optimistic, though, that in a few months I will be back to normal and not camped out on the couch every month. I guess all I can do is take it as a learning experience... a learning experience for what, I don't know. But if I look at it in any other way and sit and think of the months of my life wasted in unnecessary pain I might just start crying, and I feel like I've done enough of that.
Now, having said all that... if you should be happening to consider an IUD, don't take my experience as something that happens to everyone. From what I understand, most women don't have this reaction... but some do. Educate yourself and know what to expect. And the first month if you are in treacherous pain, don't wait thinking it'll get easier... If you can't take it, remove it. Don't waste your time, miss out on Christmas day activities, friends and families events, church, and have everything in your life fall behind. It's just not worth it. I do hope it works out though, because for those who I have talked to that have had them without problems say they are wonderful... :( Oh well.
Edited to add: I don't know what the heck is going on with the formatting on this entry. It irritates me, too, trust me. I didn't do this blindly and not realize I was doing it wrong. I'm giving up on trying to fix it though... Sorry it bugs!
Fridays are different from any other day of the week. People are happier, making them usually nicer. Everyone is excited and anticipating what the weekend might hold for them. Life seems to be more laid back, whether you work or not. And for those of us who attend church, we have Sunday to look forward to!
See, I love Fridays. Sometimes that means Bobby works from home, and other times it means that the boys & I are that much closer to having him home to ourselves for 2 days. Dinner is usually something simpler, but always delicious... & since I've been dieting Friday is sometimes my "cheat night".
Today, however, I have 2 more reasons to be in a good mood!
When I went in to get dressed my pants were just way too big... not loose, BIG! WOO-HOO!!!
I decided to step on the scale and check things out... only to find I've officially lost 15lbs!!!
Now, if I could just get more disciplined with the exercise, so I can continue to lose at the pace I have been... or more... The only downside to all this weight loss was in the beginning I didn't realize how much red meat I ate on a regular basis and I'm pretty sure I lost some iron, making me slightly fatigued. I'm feeling better now that I'm taking a supplement, but still struggle with sticking with a routine. I actually enjoy working out, a whole lot more than I thought I would... I think I'm just getting bored doing the same old thing. I plan to get a cardio dvd in the next few weeks and hope that will break the feeling that this is tedious I get at times... until then, I've got to buckle down and just keep with it!
We'll see how that goes... Right now I just want to sit on the couch with my snuggie and play with the boys. This weather doesn't help with the "get up and go" attitude I need to have. Gotta get moving though! Hmm... this is my struggle. I'll let you all know how it goes.
A lot of people consider the number 13 to be dangerous or unlucky.
I however, am proud to announce that I have now lost 13 pounds! My clothes are a little more loose, I have slightly more energy, and my self esteem is increasing each and every day.
I know I still have a long road a head of me to reach all of my goals, but I'm so much more excited about it now than I was a month ago. GO ME!!!
Quite possibly one of my favorite blogs I've written. Not sure if it's my most absolute favorite, but it's up there. May seem silly, but it came to me after a LOT of pondering...
Monday, August 28, 2006 10:00 PM
Current mood: anxious Category: Games
So, last time I typed a blog about an overused word or phrase, it was just HELL! All Hell broke lose. It was just such a hell of a blog, it should have been damned into the lake of fire. Seriously.,,
Well, this time, let's focus on Heaven...
and Betsy.
Why? Why would we wish that Heaven come down to creation and meet up with Betsy?
1: Just who is Betsy. What kind of woman she must be for all of us to be demanding that heaven come to her, instead of her going there? No one is that special, I'm sorry. Get there the same way the rest of us are going, lady. Don't cut in front of me! The line is too long as it is!
2: How are we certain she is going to Heaven? Maybe she deserves fire and brimstone? Maybe a bolt of lightning is going to come out of the sky and smite us for actually calling down heaven on such a despicable creature? We don't know her heart, after all.
Bottom line. I don't know Betsy and I don't like the idea of her taking the easy way out. However, I just cannot help myself from saying this phrase. It just rolls off the tongue like sweet butter on a hot biscuit. Mmm.. homemade and old fashioned. Makes me feel....
People, are you kidding me? I feel nothing. Nothing but shame for saying something so stupid as "HEAVEN'S TO BETSY!"
Then again, hell isn't such a smart thing to say either.
And now I will continue with my mundane life... pondering the great mysteries and in sighting you all when they have been processed.
Much love to you, Betsy, and the Heaven's above... and may you have a good night.
When you are going to post a blog full of songs that creep you out, but yet you love so much... first of all, include them all. How could you forget this one?
Second, after writing the blog, don't sit and watch stupid suspenseful movies with Bobby. He already made you watch another cheesy one earlier in the day. Why watch another?
Third, when you are laying in bed quietly thinking to yourself of your "To-Do" list for the next day, do not be startled by how creepy Bobby's random sudden laugh is when he remembers a silly occurrence with your son earlier in the day. There is no reason Bobby's laugh should scare the crap out of you now, you've been hearing it for years. Just because you are laying there in solemn and out of nowhere this loud eerie noise and breath tickle your ear, you should still not have the crap scared out of you!
Fourth, why would you be surprised that Bobby would take every chance for the 30 minutes following the occurrence with the laugh and the scream to scare you? You should know better! Though you were right to not let him fall asleep before you.
Fifth, make sure you tell Bobby "Happy Valentine's Day". Give him a big hug and kiss. Also be sure to tell him you love him. Thank him for letting you sleep in and making the most delicious scrambled eggs you've had. After all, he knew you were on a low calorie diet and took extra measures to make the entire meal healthy. He's such a swell guy. Going to all that trouble and even leaving 14 videos on your facebook wall while you were sleeping. You are, most certainly, the luckiest girl in the world!
Love,
Angie
P.S. Next time you go to the store, could you please remember to pick up a shower cap? Thanks.
About 18 months ago, it was Bobby's turn to plan our weekly date night. He surprised me with the plan to design a "couple's web page" all about us, pictures of us, how we met, our relationship, etc. We didn't get too far into it as we moved a few weeks later, finally went on our honeymoon, and then found out Johnny would be joining our family... only to move again and it goes on and on and on...
We did start it though. This is about as far as we got, our individual versions of our love story. I happened across them today, and reading them made me smile and lean over to Bobby and hug him tight. I'm truly a lucky woman. I'm so glad we took the time to do this. Not only do I have the ability to reminisce and hear how my husband recalls falling in love with me, but someday our children will have the story to read for themselves. I thought maybe I'd share them here...
Bobby's side:
Wedding Cake (Before the Wedding)
Things were just starting to calm down at work, everything slowing in the days before Christmas 2006. Not having checked Myspace in a few days, I sat down in front of the computer. Browsing through my messages, I found a few new friend requests. Assuming it was spam, I deleted the Friend Request from one "Angie Candle + Monkey". WTF kind of name is that anyhow? I think it was the next day that I found myself looking through my deleted items and again I saw her picture. Something made me click on it. Fate?
After glancing over her *unique* profile - man was this girl "out there" - she even named her kids Jedi and Booka - I decided what the heck. I added her as a friend curiously awaiting what would happen next. I don't remember exactly how it started, but I was looking for a way to break the ice - I decided I would leave a witty comment. As I sat there, going back to her profile over and over again to look for that one perfect lead in, I noticed this guy was leaving her comments, asking her out for Christmas. Forget the fact that I thought his approach was lame, I guess I was getting a little territorial. I, of course, had already invested hours to this relationship. How dare he?
So after knocking out the competition I guess I got her attention. We began leaving each other messages, and that turned into IMing and eventually a phone call. The phone call, though, wasn't to me. Not knowing if she was a nutt ball or not, I was hesitant to give her my number, so I played it safe and gave her the number to my office. Well, of course, she chose to call me at night and my phone covered into the call center - where my retarded brother Rich answered by coincidence. I wont go into details, but if anyone's interested, I'll post a link to a recording of the phone call. Long story short, my brother told Angie that I didn't work there. It wasn't until a few days later that we straighten the whole thing out and had a few conversations by phone. Having known that she was about to ship out, I didn't want to loose my chance to meet her, so we decided to go out. I invited her to an A-List party at my pad. lol After having made plans to go pick her up, I jumped in the shower and then took a bulldozer to my apartment. Between the clean up effort and the office calling, it was almost three hours later that I arrived at her "strip mall".
Safely in the truck, after almost having backed over her, we were off. There was a lot of nervous conversation as we were on the way to my office. I occasionally sneaked a peek out of the corner of my eye. I remember taking great pains not to seem creepy, so of course I didn't want to get caught checking her out. We were quickly done at the office and once again on our way. In hindsight, I think I put a little too much effort into making myself out to not be creepy, because before I knew it, I had some strange little guy at my house - on his way to work, just checking on her. We had been up almost all night talking - it was almost 6am.
The next day, after having lunch at the Yard House, we were at the good old Goat Hill.still talking about the past and the things to come. I remember Angie was telling me about having just lost her grandmother and what a big part she played in her life. For the first time, she let her guard down. I had known all along that Angie was soft hearted, though she tried her hardest to hide it. It was at that moment that I felt myself falling for her. That certainly wasn't what I was looking for. I had made the conscience decision some time before that to be alone. I wasn't looking to get involved with anyone, and above all that, I wasn't looking to fall for someone about to ship out and move in with Uncle Sam.
It happened though. No matter how much I didn't want it, it happened quickly, and it happened easily. Before I knew it, I was on the biggest interview of my life. The next day, I took Angie and the kids out to dinner. Talk about a tough crowd - those kids weren't about to cut me any slack. We picked them up at her Mom's house and I don't think I've seen them as quiet and expressionless since. They didn't say a word. They looked me up and down and apparently weren't very impressed. In fact, when Angie introduced us, and asked them if they thought I was a cool guy, they very bluntly said "No". Trying to warm them up a little, Angie asked them "Do you think he's a nice guy". Again, the answer was an abrupt "No." I was dying. Fortunately, after a feast of Quesadillas and mashed potatoes, they warmed up. Before I knew it, we were head banging together in the car on the way home - though I don't remember there being any music. I was glad to get the kid's seal of approval. Though, I still wasn't sure where this all was going at the time. Little did I know we would be where we are today.
After having dropped the kids off at Angie's parent's house, we were back at my house for a quiet night in. We needed it after storming the beaches at Newport the night before. Angie had wanted to see Talladega Nights, and it just so happened that Rich had left a copy at the house. I can't remember how far we had gotten through the movie, but I found myself proposing. I don't think Angie took me seriously, because the next day, she was shocked when I was getting ready to leave for Vegas. This is where the title of our story comes from.
The night before, we had gone to get a few bare necessities at the grocery store. Among which was a cake. Little did we know, it would be our wedding cake. It wasn't supposed to be, though Rich insisted that it was - even to this day. Just as we were getting ready to leave, Rich was waking up and getting ready for work. We swapped keys after I told him we decided to take a trip to Vegas. I told him that we were getting married. Rich, along with everyone else, chuckled and said "yea, right". It wasn't until we were on the road that rich got out of the shower and found the computer on, from where I was looking up the licensing information for getting married in Vegas. A slew of text messages followed as he was panicked, shocked, and awed. I still think he doubted it until we got back with the certificate.
Long story short, neither of us took into consideration that it was the day before new year's eve. It took us about 9 hours to get to Vegas, during which, we had "the talk". This consisted of full disclosure and anything and everything we could think of that would ever give the other reason to say "Hey wait a minute, maybe this is a mistake". We covered EVERYTHING by the time we pulled into Vegas. It was just a few hours before midnight. We had no reservations - hotel wise, anyhow. We were both goofy with nerves. YES, I CIRCLED THE SAME LEVEL OF THE PARKING LOT HALF A DOZEN TIMES. Anyhow, we parked and when on the hunt for a hotel room. Don't let anyone tell you that eloping is the cheap way to get married. After we checked in, we went on the hunt - we still weren't sure how to go about this. After consulting with the expert, the concierge, we went out and got a cab to the Las Vegas Marriage License Bureau. After passing through the grueling application process, we exited the building still unsure of where the heck we were going to actually do the deed. Luck for us, there were people ready to help. In fact, they were just about willing to fist fight with each other to be the ones who actually helped us.
It was a beautiful ceremony - performed by the revered Penn and witnessed by his annoying little Filipino camera man. We were whisked backed to our luxorious accommodations by Tyrone, the limo driver. Again, people, let me correct the myth that getting married in Vegas is the less expensive way to go. Anyhow, back to the hotel for dinner and a night out on the town.
My side:
Stronger than Army Strong...
Once upon a time, long long ago, in a land not so far away Angie had been browsing through “single” MySpace users within a close range mile radius at the urging of a friend. Insisting nothing would come of it and that it would just be for fun, Angie went through with the plan and began sifting through the strange and even stranger. When she came across this guy Bobby though, something caught her. She looked over his profile and looked through all his pictures. He was 29, also lived in South OrangeCounty, and had been in the Army at some point. He seemed to have a fascination with tattoos and a “me against the world” attitude. Something about this guy made her feel like a little girl with a crush but also “challenged” and she was determined that she had to get to know him better.
After trying to send a message she realized that he had his message settings turned to “away”. She sat and debated how she should go about this without seeming like a stalker, but finally took the plunge to click “Add as a friend”. It was approximately 2-3 days before she heard anything from him, and yes, she checked her pending requests often to see if he was going to take the bait.
On December 22, 2006, Bobby logged into his MySpace account. As usual, he was being pursued by multiple fake porn profiles. However, one stood out - after he had deleted the friend request. Quickly, hitting the Back button on his browser, he saw someone who stood out from the others. In fact, she wasn't porn at all, but a nice girl. Changing his answer to "Accept", he looked over her profile and decided chatting wouldn't be so bad.
Her name was Angie Candle + Monkey. She was 25 and apparently lived "where soul meets body". For some reason her profile indicated some nonsense about her just enlisting in the Army and that she was to leave for Basic Training in just a few days, but he was certain this was fictional. Glancing over her pictures, along with her profile text, he decided that leaving a comment wouldn't hurt. But what was this? Some creep was leaving her comments asking her out for Christmas. Some how, Bobby could not help himself. He had to leave a comment on Angie's profile, but not for Angie - for the creep. Eventually, after about two or three of these, they were able to talk about themselves. Comments turned into messages, instant messages, and phone calls. Eventually they met in person on the 27th.
When the time finally came, Angie walked out to the front of her gated apartment complex just to be safe so that if danger arose, Bobby would not know where she lived. After all, this was a man who a few minutes before, got lost after simple directions, and called asking if she lived in a mini mall. After Bobby nearly ran over Angie, she hopped in the jeep, and they were on their way.
The next day they were hanging out again. It seemed as if they just could not stop laughing. Whether it was random stories Angie felt like telling out of nervousness or the revelation that Santa Clause is indeed a pervert, they were finding themselves in constant amusement. That night, Angie told Bobby she wanted to see the ocean "one last time" before she left for the Army. We don't need to go into details about what a fool she made out of herself screaming "Army Strong!" in the freezing temperatures of the Newport Beach salt water... but she knew the second Bobby picked her up and dried off her feet, carrying her to the jeep and then trying to warm up her freezing toes that she was in love, and that this was the man she wanted to spend forever with. In fact, she told a few friends later that night when she was being teased about moving off and settling down in the Army. Exclaiming: "I'll never do that! Me? Married? Never..." but then whispering while pointing at Bobby "Except for him. I'd marry him."
After two days of spending quite a bit of time together and a day of moving, they had decided that instead of a night out they should just pick up some junk food at the grocery store and hang out at Bobby’s. It was 2 days before New Year’s Eve and the crowds and traffic were just exhausting no matter where you went. Angie asked Bobby if they could watch his brother's copy of "Talladega Nights". She had been dying to see this movie and was determined to see it before leaving for boot camp. While laughing uncontrollably at the movie they both paused when Angie jokingly said something about "When we get married" (this joke had been going on since a few minutes into the first date) and followed with "Like you would ever marry me...” Bobby quickly replied with "I'd marry you". The conversation got pretty serious from there, of course. Bobby explained to Angie why he wanted to marry her and how he would not feel complete without her. Angie said, "How can I marry you? I've never even kissed you?!" Right then, like magic, they experienced their first kiss. It was amazing, naturally. After a few minutes of deep conversation, they began making their plans for the trek to Vegas the next day.
Angie woke up early on the morning of December 30th. She remembered the events of the night before and was hoping that Bobby had not had a change of heart. After letting Bobby sleep for about, oh, 2 more hours she dragged him out of bed and told him to get ready. She couldn't wait to be his wife and start a life with him! After they were ready to get on the road they started out for what they thought would be a little road trip. But they were wrong... 9 hours were spent in the car that day. During this time they were able to discuss the "important" things, almost as if the traffic was there for a reason. Once they finally arrived, they raced around trying desperately to find out where to go to get a marriage license, how to find a wedding chapel, and of course a room. It was the day before New Year's Eve and most of the hotels were booked. Once they finally got it all together they arrived at the "Garden of Love" and were wed at approximately 10:30 pm. It was a long day, but all so worth it. Angie often says that she wouldn’t have had it any other way, and falls more in love with Bobby with each and every day. Needless to say, she cancelled her enlistment and did not ship out to Boot Camp.
And now, just for fun, I want to include the blog Bobby wrote a little over 2 weeks after we got married. It, also, makes me feel all warm and fuzzy every time I go back and read it...
Monday, January 15, 2007
Current mood: thankful Category: Life
Well, it finally hit me... I'm married. Wow. Funny that it didn't fully click during our limo ride from the chapel. It hadn't even totally set in while house hunting. Not even did it hit home during the first of many naked Saturdays. But yesterday, I felt what I could only describe as a light headed pannic as we were on our way back from - it's still hard for me to say - grocery shopping. Yes, only as I realized that I was on my way home after grocery shopping with my wife did it all hit me. The radio slowly faded out, I couldn't hear the traffic along side us - total silence. And then I looked over at my wife and giggled like a complete dork - something I catch myself doing alot these day. While it's true, not so long ago even I could have never imagined myself married - now I can't remember what it was like before Angie came into my life. It's easy. I think it's easy because it's right. I can't describe it - more then an instinct or a reflex, being in love with my wife is the most natural feeling I've ever known. There's nothing more then I want then to have all the cheesey things that I swore I'd never "sell out" and live for. So, Angie notices me staring at her and asks "What", as she always does when she catches me - and my ears pop, the surrounding noise fades back in and I do the only thing I could think of. Scream like a big fat woman and laugh as I tell her what just happened. lol I love being married.
Okay, here is where I'm going to warn you with the TMI alert.
I've had 4 children. I have a little patch of spare skin. Nothing like Kate Gosselin, don't worry, but a teeny tiny one. (No, I'm not posting photos.)
My statement was that even though it has been shrinking significantly in the last few months, and more so with all the weight loss, that it will never completely go away.
What I said next was "When we're done having children, I'm cutting it off."
Bobby & I earlier this week
This is where all men should learn to listen to their wives, because obviously Bobby wasn't and thought I was referring to, um, something else. I wish I had taken a picture of the look on his face before I explained what I was really talking about...
This morning I only got in 26 minutes of cardio. Since my set goal is 30 mins per day, I figured "no biggie, I'll come back in and get in another 20 mins or so this afternoon, which would be even better."
Sure enough, my parents asked to take the boys this afternoon, and I thought I was finally going to have my chance... Until as I was walking to answer the door I stubbed my toe on Johnny's bouncy seat and now here I lay on the couch. Peaceful quiet home, my heart full of anger towards my toe, and my tummy rumbling & begging for a snack.
I so badly want to eat some junk food right now. Grrrr...
A little over 2 weeks ago I decided to stop whining about being overweight and out of shape, and start being proactive in changing the entire situation. I started counting calories and exercising. Might I say it's been much easier than I expected, which is probably why I haven't blogged much about it. I hit my first "wall" yesterday, feeling as though I hit a plateau, only to wake up this morning to find I had lost another full pound.
My plan is to chart out my feelings of joy and frustration here, but we'll see how that goes...
I do feel as though I deserve to brag about my first 6 lbs, so that's what I'm doing. Go me! I can't wait to reach my short and long term goals and hopefully keep the weight off!
Once upon a time I was a different person. I rarely doubted anyone. I took each person for what they said they were. I forgave most simply because they said they were sorry for some of the most hurtful heartbreaking things that had been done to me. And I dropped everything at a moment's notice to be there for friends who needed me.
Sadly, like most people in this world, I have changed. I was hurt, deeply, in several different instances where those that I loved and considered dear friends betrayed me in one way or another. I didn't change overnight, it was after being hurt repeatedly to different degrees by various loved ones over the course of years and allowing the hurt and frustration to build up.
In trying to move past the pain, I blocked out the memory, sometimes almost "deleting" the person from my memory to the best of my ability and pretending the hurt never happened. "They're dead to me" I would so easily exclaim if someone asked me when I last talked to the person, proud of my hardened heart and letting the world know that my ego was not bruised but instead stroked.
Obviously, this is ineffective as the hurt is still there, growing, causing me to be doubting, flaky, and distrusting of others. Besides, as soon as in some way or another whether by running across an old picture of different people, hearing another speak of them, or running into them the pain was quickly remembered as though a bandage was ripped away from the wound, taking the stitches with it and leaving all my anguish exposed. I talk myself down from the anger. "That person has no idea. And look who I am now in spite of all they did to hurt me! They have suffered such a loss to not know me any longer! All of the happiness they claim to have now is fake, because they certainly don't deserve it. I dare them to attempt to do the same thing to me now. They'd have another thing coming!" Only to realize very quickly "They probably could care less about anything to do with me."
And here is where it comes full circle...
The reality smacks me right in the face because I KNOW that there are people out there that I've hurt, whether intentional or unintentional, that I could care less about what is going on in their lives or where they are now.
Ouch. "What kind of person am I? That's just disgusting! I wasn't raised to be this way! Forgive and forget, love one another!"
It seems just in the last few months I've been tossed in with memories of many different past hurts and had to deal with them. Sometimes so overwhelming, not understanding why, my only option was to cry and have a pity party. Just a few moments ago I was asking God "Why do I have to go through all this, dealing with all of these people so close together?" I wasn't even done asking when I realized it's because something needs to change. I learned at a woman's conference I attended years ago as a teenager that in order to move past the hurt, grow from it, and heal you must forgive those that hurt you.
Now, I'm going to be honest, as much as I say I forgive everyone for whatever they did to me, there are probably 2 or 3 that I don't want to forgive. 1 of those people I forgave for one of the worst things a person could do to another mother only to be betrayed nearly the same way all over again months later. I realize that forgiveness doesn't mean I have to be friendly, but just the simple act of letting go of the hurt and sometimes anger seems impossible. Why should that person be forgiven for such a horrible thing? I guess the answer is simple, because if I don't I'm living in sin and as long as I carry this burden around I'm going to be unhappy. I don't want to be this person who doesn't take people for their words, doubts every single persons motive for being nice to me, assuming every friend I have secretly hates me. Why should everyone in my life now pay for the sins of those that were in my life in the past?
If only everyone had a stamp on their foreheads to state whether they were trustworthy, and meter to show just how real or fake they really are...
That's not how it is, though. This is real life. Time for me to pick myself back up, again. Time to dust off my genuine smile, and know that people are being nice to me because they simply like me, not to dig up dirt on a myself, a friend, or family member. Time to take people for their words, and not second guess every other statement.
It might take a little time, and that's okay. I'm damaged, but through forgiveness of others and forgiveness from God, I can be whole again.
This song is just amazing. I can't hear it without crying. And written by a man who was an awesome minister who was taken to Heaven much too soon. Thank you, Jesus, for giving this man the talent and the song. It's a perfect explanation of what His love has done for me. And yet I wasn't even born when it was written...
Bobby & I once danced to this song in Ralph's (Grocery store) at 1am after a difficult week. I don't remember particularly why it was a hard week, but I do remember the spontaneity of the moment and the romance of the way Bobby took the bag of Dorito's I was picking out of the bin and threw it aside as we began our waltz over to the bottled water aisle. One of the most romantic moments of my entire life.
I love this song. It's just flat out soothing & peaceful. Just the other night I had a tough night. Okay, I admit. It was a bad hair day that took hours to repair. When this song came on my iPod I stopped, took a deep breath, felt the calm take over me, and was able to accomplish my goal. This song I have played on happy days, sad days, stressful days, and days full of rejoicing. :sigh:
I really can't explain this one. It's been my favorite song since I was a wee teenager. I do know that when I realized I didn't want to be alone forever as I had previously claimed during my divorce was while listening to this song. I wanted to feel "Hysteria". Yeah, I know. Super cheesy. Who cares, go read another blog if you don't want cheese, because me? I'm all about cheese. Especially since Bobby came along. Thanks to him, I know "Hysteria".
LOVE this! Who doesn't?
Okay, just kidding. I was serious about the others though!
More to come as I think of them... I'm tapped out for now.
If you're curious as to why the annoying title, click here.
For those of you that are in So Cal reading this, you know that we are anticipating yet another storm. The clouds are rolling in, the air is chill, and visibility is less and less.
In the recent burn areas, more sand bags are being put out to prevent mud slides. In the valleys and near reservoirs, county and city workers are putting out the "flooded" and "warning" signs. For those with children who play outdoors, this is the time you would overlook the yard to make sure no toys were left out. Farmers and other agricultural workers are taking the appropriate precautions with the animals, crops, and land.
We've all learned in the past that while the forecast might say one thing, it may do something completely different. If I personally learned anything from living where there was true winter weather, it was to be ready should the worst happen. If a blizzard comes along and you're going to be stuck in your home for days, you're going to want food. I know where we are at now, there is a chance if a large rainfall happens in a short amount of time, getting out of our neighborhood is extremely challenging. In those times, one needs to be sure to have all the staples and necessities. Food, medications, candles, batteries, etc.
In life, we should always be prepared for emergencies. For example, no one could have predicted just how much snow would fall in the San Bernardino mountains this past week. Yesterday, there were residents and tourists stranded without food and gas. I'm not sure how much could have been really done to prevent this situation, but if they had known, don't you think the area would have been well stocked?
We take all this attention to our homes and families when prepping for a storm... But what about our souls? Are you ready for a storm? Have you been spending time with God in prayer and focusing on him instead of what can wait? I can say from recent experience, battling a storm with Him is so much simpler than without. You can face the winds without fear. You will no longer startle at the thunder or lightning. When the temperature drops, you'll be kept warm. Instead of the raindrops stinging your face, you will find shelter. And if the storm goes on too long, you'll be kept sustained and well taken care of. Facing a storm with Jesus doesn't mean the clouds won't be on the horizon, but that the effects will not affect you as severely.
Thank you, Lord, for all of the storms you've brought me through this far. Help me to be prepared for each one after by keeping you first in my life.
I just want to take a moment to mention how thankful I am that God does not answer our prayers in the order which they were received, but in his time.
Further more, I'm glad that my matters are all in his hands, instead of someone at a call center who gets to randomly decide what is important and what is not.
To take it one step more with that statement, I'm even more grateful that God decides what is important, what is urgent, what can wait, and what should be ignored.
What it must be like to see it all from the big picture, and know the need before it is needed... To know what seems so important to us is actually rather insignificant... To see what we view as "URGENT" and know that it can actually wait, or vice versa.
I'm so glad I'm not in charge. And no offense, but I'm so glad you're not in charge either!
This morning, in the course of random thinking. (It's a scary, but fun sport.) I wondered how many people a long the way have I unintentionally hurt. We've all done it, and everyone at some point has been hurt in this way. And no, I'm not talking about sarcasm or passive aggressive behavior. I mean flat out not realizing that your words or actions are hurtful to someone who either took it the wrong way or my brain/mouth filter having a momentary lapse.
Lord, forgive me for anyone I have hurt this way. And if anyone reading at some point was hurt by something I said or did, I'm sorry. I would never intentionally do anything to hurt someone, and believe me, if I were angry... you would know. (Lord, forgive me for that also...)
Just one of my many wish lists on the web... "Fake shopping" by creating wish lists can be oh so much fun... and therapeautic! Kind of like blogging... ;)
anxious
thankful
