Better Than Expected...

11 years ago today was by far one of the worst days of my entire life.  What took place the night before and the result that was caused was so devastating I'm not sure I can bring myself to really type about it.  I've only spoke about it with a few chosen people, it's just so personal.  Am I holding on to anger and bitterness in this situation? No. I've let go of that and moved on as far as this goes.  It's just that the memories break my heart sometimes.

If on that day, you had told me I would be here happily married to a good man with 4 children, I would have doubted it to ever happen. I felt as though all my dreams were crushed.  I wasn't even sure I deserved to be happy as I must have done something to deserve all the horrible things that were taking place. (I later woke up and realized I did nothing, whatsoever, that would justify what had happened to me.)  I questioned God as to why he was allowing this all to happen, to strip my motherhood from me before I had even held a child in my arms.  To have the person who was supposed to care for me more than anyone betray me and cause such pain.  It's all so clear now, though.  I will never forget my Grandma telling me "Just give it time, you're going to look back at this, and while it's still going to hurt, you are going to be so happy it happened now instead of later. It will all make sense then."  Thank you, Jesus, because she was so right.  (She almost always was, after all.)

Some things I've learned, whether directly through this circumstance or during reflection in the time since, are:

• That there is truth to the statement God will never give us more than we can handle.  
• While trials I've been through over the years have been pretty tough, there is always going to be someone who is worse off.
• Even when I feel all alone, as though no one even hears my prayers, Jesus is there.  Just waiting for the right time. 
• Abuse, miscarriages, deceit, betrayal, & infidelity are all horrible hurtful things, but putting faith in God can almost make you forget the pain of it all.
• There is nothing like finding your true love, and NO ONE should settle for less than the best.  If you can see yourself living happily without them in the future, then it's probably not meant to be.  As my Aunt told me, "If in 10 years you don't see them, don't waste your time now."

Will I ever forget February 23rd, 1999?  Never.  Have I grown from what happened?  Yes.  Life has been so much easier since I was able to stop, look back, and see the big picture... and while it was tough at the time, it's only a memory now.  Besides, it just makes Heaven that much sweeter... And now here I am, with a great marriage, amazing husband, and the best kids anyone could ask for.  All is much better than expected... as a matter of fact, it's a dream come true.

Thank You, Carrie Underwood...

For now I cry like a ninny at least once an hour... which is how often I hear this song now...




Not saying I don't love this song, because I most absolutely do. Just... WOW. Tearjerker!

If Only...

Once upon a time I was a different person.  I rarely doubted anyone.  I took each person for what they said they were.  I forgave most simply because they said they were sorry for some of the most hurtful heartbreaking things that had been done to me. And I dropped everything at a moment's notice to be there for friends who needed me.

Sadly, like most people in this world, I have changed.  I was hurt, deeply, in several different instances where those that I loved and considered dear friends betrayed me in one way or another.  I didn't change overnight, it was after being hurt repeatedly to different degrees by various loved ones over the course of years and allowing the hurt and frustration to build up.  

In trying to move past the pain, I blocked out the memory, sometimes almost "deleting" the person from my memory to the best of my ability and pretending the hurt never happened.  "They're dead to me" I would so easily exclaim if someone asked me when I last talked to the person, proud of my hardened heart and letting the world know that my ego was not bruised but instead stroked.

Obviously, this is ineffective as the hurt is still there, growing, causing me to be doubting, flaky, and distrusting of others.  Besides, as soon as in some way or another whether by running across an old picture of different people, hearing another speak of them, or running into them the pain was quickly remembered as though a bandage was ripped away from the wound, taking the stitches with it and leaving all my anguish exposed.  I talk myself down from the anger.  "That person has no idea.  And look who I am now in spite of all they did to hurt me!  They have suffered such a loss to not know me any longer!  All of the happiness they claim to have now is fake, because they certainly don't deserve it. I dare them to attempt to do the same thing to me now.  They'd have another thing coming!"  Only to realize very quickly "They probably could care less about anything to do with me." 

And here is where it comes full circle...

The reality smacks me right in the face because I KNOW that there are people out there that I've hurt, whether intentional or unintentional, that I could care less about what is going on in their lives or where they are now.

Ouch.  "What kind of person am I?  That's just disgusting!  I wasn't raised to be this way!  Forgive and forget, love one another!"

It seems just in the last few months I've been tossed in with memories of many different past hurts and had to deal with them.  Sometimes so overwhelming, not understanding why, my only option was to cry and have a pity party.  Just a few moments ago I was asking God "Why do I have to go through all this, dealing with all of these people so close together?"  I wasn't even done asking when I realized it's because something needs to change.  I learned at a woman's conference I attended years ago as a teenager that in order to move past the hurt, grow from it, and heal you must forgive those that hurt you.  

Now, I'm going to be honest, as much as I say I forgive everyone for whatever they did to me, there are probably 2 or 3 that I don't want to forgive.  1 of those people I forgave for one of the worst things a person could do to another mother only to be betrayed nearly the same way all over again months later.  I realize that forgiveness doesn't mean I have to be friendly, but just the simple act of letting go of the hurt and sometimes anger seems impossible. Why should that person be forgiven for such a horrible thing?  I guess the answer is simple, because if I don't I'm living in sin and as long as I carry this burden around I'm going to be unhappy.  I don't want to be this person who doesn't take people for their words, doubts every single persons motive for being nice to me, assuming every friend I have secretly hates me.  Why should everyone in my life now pay for the sins of those that were in my life in the past?

If only everyone had a stamp on their foreheads to state whether they were trustworthy, and meter to show just how real or fake they really are...

That's not how it is, though.  This is real life.  Time for me to pick myself back up, again.  Time to dust off my genuine smile, and know that people are being nice to me because they simply like me, not to dig up dirt on a myself, a friend, or family member.  Time to take people for their words, and not second guess every other statement.  

It might take a little time, and that's okay.  I'm damaged, but through forgiveness of others and forgiveness from God, I can be whole again.

Thar Be A Storm A Comin'...

If you're curious as to why the annoying title, click here.

For those of you that are in So Cal reading this, you know that we are anticipating yet another storm.  The clouds are rolling in, the air is chill, and visibility is less and less.

In the recent burn areas, more sand bags are being put out to prevent mud slides.  In the valleys and near reservoirs, county and city workers are putting out the "flooded" and "warning" signs.  For those with children who play outdoors, this is the time you would overlook the yard to make sure no toys were left out.  Farmers and other agricultural workers are taking the appropriate precautions with the animals, crops, and land.

We've all learned in the past that while the forecast might say one thing, it may do something completely different.  If I personally learned anything from living where there was true winter weather, it was to be ready should the worst happen.  If a blizzard comes along and you're going to be stuck in your home for days, you're going to want food.  I know where we are at now, there is a chance if a large rainfall happens in a short amount of time, getting out of our neighborhood is extremely challenging.  In those times, one needs to be sure to have all the staples and necessities.  Food, medications, candles, batteries, etc.

In life, we should always be prepared for emergencies.  For example, no one could have predicted just how much snow would fall in the San Bernardino mountains this past week.  Yesterday, there were residents and tourists stranded without food and gas.  I'm not sure how much could have been really done to prevent this situation, but if they had known, don't you think the area would have been well stocked?

We take all this attention to our homes and families when prepping for a storm... But what about our souls?  Are you ready for a storm?  Have you been spending time with God in prayer and focusing on him instead of what can wait?  I can say from recent experience, battling a storm with Him is so much simpler than without.  You can face the winds without fear.  You will no longer startle at the thunder or lightning. When the temperature drops, you'll be kept warm.  Instead of the raindrops stinging your face, you will find shelter.  And if the storm goes on too long, you'll be kept sustained and well taken care of.  Facing a storm with Jesus doesn't mean the clouds won't be on the horizon, but that the effects will not affect you as severely.

Thank you, Lord, for all of the storms you've brought me through this far.  Help me to be prepared for each one after by keeping you first in my life.

Your Call Will Be Answered In Approximately 437 Minutes...

Thank you for holding!

I just want to take a moment to mention how thankful I am that God does not answer our prayers in the order which they were received, but in his time.

Further more, I'm glad that my matters are all in his hands, instead of someone at a call center who gets to randomly decide what is important and what is not.

To take it one step more with that statement, I'm even more grateful that God decides what is important, what is urgent, what can wait, and what should be ignored.

What it must be like to see it all from the big picture, and know the need before it is needed... To know what seems so important to us is actually rather insignificant... To see what we view as "URGENT" and know that it can actually wait, or vice versa.

I'm so glad I'm not in charge.  And no offense, but I'm so glad you're not in charge either!

Thinking of Grandma & Grandpa...

Replace "tell" with "shout" and you'd have it about right. ;)



Now... what would they say if they knew my tree won't be up until next week. :GASP!: No tree until after the 10th of December? Say it isn't so!

I'm sure the celebration they are having is much better than the one we're having here though.

Wow...

So, I guess it's been awhile since I've put my thoughts into word form on "the world wide web". A great number of things have taken place, that I don't know where to begin. Not only did I give birth to a beautiful baby boy, but thanks to God I survived one of the busiest most emotional times in my entire life.

I endured many sad and/or stressful moments along with many great ones. I welcomed my 2 oldest children home and then held back the tears as I sent them on their way once again. I met my newborn son, John Benjamin, just 2 1/2 weeks after my cousin Benjamin Paul went home to be with Jesus much too soon. I felt guilt for the fact that I was gaining a son as my Uncle lost his. I fought for weeks with prodromal labor before finally being induced and being lucky enough to win a dural puncture. We moved into a new home while I was recovering from childbirth & breastfeeding. At 35 weeks pregnant I somehow didn't have a nervous breakdown when a wild fire blazed behind our home & my 3 children cried in fear. (Didn't say I wasn't crying too...)

I could go on and on, but my point is that thanks to God I survived. Was it the hardest time of my life? Not even close. But that's what makes it that much more beautiful. God is there when things are good, bad, and also mixed up somewhere in between. He's just that awesome, and I'm so grateful for that.

I Am Blessed...

A great many things have occurred not only in my life, but in the lives of those I know and love... and even some I've never met... to cause me to once again realize just how blessed I truly am lately. While I always "know" in my heart that I'm blessed, I don't take for granted the reminders that sometimes have to be put in front of me.

• God has given me a caring husband, who would never hurt me and (almost) always thinks of my feelings. (He is human, after all...)
• My children are healthy. While my oldest 2 may not live under my roof most of the year, they are most certainly healthy and safe.
• I am healthy. Sure, a little overweight with annoying acne and gallstones. But nothing life threatening.
• I have a family that loves me.
• I have friends that seem to be there when I need them.
• My church is amazing and a great place to attend worship. Always involved with reaching out not only to those who attend, but to the surrounding community also.
• I have a roof over my head. We may have a pincher bug invasion under way, but it's a cute old house that I still love and will continue to love until we maybe hopefully someday buy a cute new house, lol. We have heat when it's cold, air conditioning when it's hot, and electricity with running hot/cold water.
• I'm never hungry for any longer than necessary. There is food in my pantry.

I really could continue this list on and on and on and on... But I think I made the point that was needed. Never take anything for granted. Just because it is here today, it may not be tomorrow. Love your loved ones, appreciate the small things, and never forget that tomorrow everything can change.

Further on that note, I would like to send out my condolences to Linda Truesdale and family on the passing of her husband Larry yesterday. I have known them both most of my life. While we all know that Larry is in the presence of Jesus, he will be missed.

Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Jared! Wow, you're like, 26... who knew you'd make it this far without severing a limb or something? Be thankful! LOL