Better Than Expected...

11 years ago today was by far one of the worst days of my entire life.  What took place the night before and the result that was caused was so devastating I'm not sure I can bring myself to really type about it.  I've only spoke about it with a few chosen people, it's just so personal.  Am I holding on to anger and bitterness in this situation? No. I've let go of that and moved on as far as this goes.  It's just that the memories break my heart sometimes.

If on that day, you had told me I would be here happily married to a good man with 4 children, I would have doubted it to ever happen. I felt as though all my dreams were crushed.  I wasn't even sure I deserved to be happy as I must have done something to deserve all the horrible things that were taking place. (I later woke up and realized I did nothing, whatsoever, that would justify what had happened to me.)  I questioned God as to why he was allowing this all to happen, to strip my motherhood from me before I had even held a child in my arms.  To have the person who was supposed to care for me more than anyone betray me and cause such pain.  It's all so clear now, though.  I will never forget my Grandma telling me "Just give it time, you're going to look back at this, and while it's still going to hurt, you are going to be so happy it happened now instead of later. It will all make sense then."  Thank you, Jesus, because she was so right.  (She almost always was, after all.)

Some things I've learned, whether directly through this circumstance or during reflection in the time since, are:

• That there is truth to the statement God will never give us more than we can handle.  
• While trials I've been through over the years have been pretty tough, there is always going to be someone who is worse off.
• Even when I feel all alone, as though no one even hears my prayers, Jesus is there.  Just waiting for the right time. 
• Abuse, miscarriages, deceit, betrayal, & infidelity are all horrible hurtful things, but putting faith in God can almost make you forget the pain of it all.
• There is nothing like finding your true love, and NO ONE should settle for less than the best.  If you can see yourself living happily without them in the future, then it's probably not meant to be.  As my Aunt told me, "If in 10 years you don't see them, don't waste your time now."

Will I ever forget February 23rd, 1999?  Never.  Have I grown from what happened?  Yes.  Life has been so much easier since I was able to stop, look back, and see the big picture... and while it was tough at the time, it's only a memory now.  Besides, it just makes Heaven that much sweeter... And now here I am, with a great marriage, amazing husband, and the best kids anyone could ask for.  All is much better than expected... as a matter of fact, it's a dream come true.

Okay, So I'm Not 20 Anymore...

Nor have I been for awhile. :sigh:

Regardless, this song really speaks to me.  I think the lyrics speak for themselves.  I often find myself singing it since the first time I heard it months ago.  Gotta love it...

Song: Free To Be Me
Album: My Paper Heart
Artist: Francesca Battistelli

At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can’t always see

(Chorus)
‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

When I was just a girl I thought I had it figured out
My life would turn out right, and I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt

(Chorus)

And you’re free to be you

Sometimes I believe that I can do anything
Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and You tell me
That I've got all You seek
And it’s easy to believe
Even though

(Chorus)

If Only...

Once upon a time I was a different person.  I rarely doubted anyone.  I took each person for what they said they were.  I forgave most simply because they said they were sorry for some of the most hurtful heartbreaking things that had been done to me. And I dropped everything at a moment's notice to be there for friends who needed me.

Sadly, like most people in this world, I have changed.  I was hurt, deeply, in several different instances where those that I loved and considered dear friends betrayed me in one way or another.  I didn't change overnight, it was after being hurt repeatedly to different degrees by various loved ones over the course of years and allowing the hurt and frustration to build up.  

In trying to move past the pain, I blocked out the memory, sometimes almost "deleting" the person from my memory to the best of my ability and pretending the hurt never happened.  "They're dead to me" I would so easily exclaim if someone asked me when I last talked to the person, proud of my hardened heart and letting the world know that my ego was not bruised but instead stroked.

Obviously, this is ineffective as the hurt is still there, growing, causing me to be doubting, flaky, and distrusting of others.  Besides, as soon as in some way or another whether by running across an old picture of different people, hearing another speak of them, or running into them the pain was quickly remembered as though a bandage was ripped away from the wound, taking the stitches with it and leaving all my anguish exposed.  I talk myself down from the anger.  "That person has no idea.  And look who I am now in spite of all they did to hurt me!  They have suffered such a loss to not know me any longer!  All of the happiness they claim to have now is fake, because they certainly don't deserve it. I dare them to attempt to do the same thing to me now.  They'd have another thing coming!"  Only to realize very quickly "They probably could care less about anything to do with me." 

And here is where it comes full circle...

The reality smacks me right in the face because I KNOW that there are people out there that I've hurt, whether intentional or unintentional, that I could care less about what is going on in their lives or where they are now.

Ouch.  "What kind of person am I?  That's just disgusting!  I wasn't raised to be this way!  Forgive and forget, love one another!"

It seems just in the last few months I've been tossed in with memories of many different past hurts and had to deal with them.  Sometimes so overwhelming, not understanding why, my only option was to cry and have a pity party.  Just a few moments ago I was asking God "Why do I have to go through all this, dealing with all of these people so close together?"  I wasn't even done asking when I realized it's because something needs to change.  I learned at a woman's conference I attended years ago as a teenager that in order to move past the hurt, grow from it, and heal you must forgive those that hurt you.  

Now, I'm going to be honest, as much as I say I forgive everyone for whatever they did to me, there are probably 2 or 3 that I don't want to forgive.  1 of those people I forgave for one of the worst things a person could do to another mother only to be betrayed nearly the same way all over again months later.  I realize that forgiveness doesn't mean I have to be friendly, but just the simple act of letting go of the hurt and sometimes anger seems impossible. Why should that person be forgiven for such a horrible thing?  I guess the answer is simple, because if I don't I'm living in sin and as long as I carry this burden around I'm going to be unhappy.  I don't want to be this person who doesn't take people for their words, doubts every single persons motive for being nice to me, assuming every friend I have secretly hates me.  Why should everyone in my life now pay for the sins of those that were in my life in the past?

If only everyone had a stamp on their foreheads to state whether they were trustworthy, and meter to show just how real or fake they really are...

That's not how it is, though.  This is real life.  Time for me to pick myself back up, again.  Time to dust off my genuine smile, and know that people are being nice to me because they simply like me, not to dig up dirt on a myself, a friend, or family member.  Time to take people for their words, and not second guess every other statement.  

It might take a little time, and that's okay.  I'm damaged, but through forgiveness of others and forgiveness from God, I can be whole again.

These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things...

This song is just amazing. I can't hear it without crying. And written by a man who was an awesome minister who was taken to Heaven much too soon. Thank you, Jesus, for giving this man the talent and the song. It's a perfect explanation of what His love has done for me. And yet I wasn't even born when it was written...

Bobby & I once danced to this song in Ralph's (Grocery store) at 1am after a difficult week. I don't remember particularly why it was a hard week, but I do remember the spontaneity of the moment and the romance of the way Bobby took the bag of Dorito's I was picking out of the bin and threw it aside as we began our waltz over to the bottled water aisle. One of the most romantic moments of my entire life.

I love this song. It's just flat out soothing & peaceful. Just the other night I had a tough night. Okay, I admit. It was a bad hair day that took hours to repair. When this song came on my iPod I stopped, took a deep breath, felt the calm take over me, and was able to accomplish my goal. This song I have played on happy days, sad days, stressful days, and days full of rejoicing. :sigh:

I really can't explain this one. It's been my favorite song since I was a wee teenager. I do know that when I realized I didn't want to be alone forever as I had previously claimed during my divorce was while listening to this song. I wanted to feel "Hysteria". Yeah, I know. Super cheesy. Who cares, go read another blog if you don't want cheese, because me? I'm all about cheese. Especially since Bobby came along. Thanks to him, I know "Hysteria".

LOVE this! Who doesn't?

Okay, just kidding. I was serious about the others though!

More to come as I think of them... I'm tapped out for now.

Thar Be A Storm A Comin'...

If you're curious as to why the annoying title, click here.

For those of you that are in So Cal reading this, you know that we are anticipating yet another storm.  The clouds are rolling in, the air is chill, and visibility is less and less.

In the recent burn areas, more sand bags are being put out to prevent mud slides.  In the valleys and near reservoirs, county and city workers are putting out the "flooded" and "warning" signs.  For those with children who play outdoors, this is the time you would overlook the yard to make sure no toys were left out.  Farmers and other agricultural workers are taking the appropriate precautions with the animals, crops, and land.

We've all learned in the past that while the forecast might say one thing, it may do something completely different.  If I personally learned anything from living where there was true winter weather, it was to be ready should the worst happen.  If a blizzard comes along and you're going to be stuck in your home for days, you're going to want food.  I know where we are at now, there is a chance if a large rainfall happens in a short amount of time, getting out of our neighborhood is extremely challenging.  In those times, one needs to be sure to have all the staples and necessities.  Food, medications, candles, batteries, etc.

In life, we should always be prepared for emergencies.  For example, no one could have predicted just how much snow would fall in the San Bernardino mountains this past week.  Yesterday, there were residents and tourists stranded without food and gas.  I'm not sure how much could have been really done to prevent this situation, but if they had known, don't you think the area would have been well stocked?

We take all this attention to our homes and families when prepping for a storm... But what about our souls?  Are you ready for a storm?  Have you been spending time with God in prayer and focusing on him instead of what can wait?  I can say from recent experience, battling a storm with Him is so much simpler than without.  You can face the winds without fear.  You will no longer startle at the thunder or lightning. When the temperature drops, you'll be kept warm.  Instead of the raindrops stinging your face, you will find shelter.  And if the storm goes on too long, you'll be kept sustained and well taken care of.  Facing a storm with Jesus doesn't mean the clouds won't be on the horizon, but that the effects will not affect you as severely.

Thank you, Lord, for all of the storms you've brought me through this far.  Help me to be prepared for each one after by keeping you first in my life.

Your Call Will Be Answered In Approximately 437 Minutes...

Thank you for holding!

I just want to take a moment to mention how thankful I am that God does not answer our prayers in the order which they were received, but in his time.

Further more, I'm glad that my matters are all in his hands, instead of someone at a call center who gets to randomly decide what is important and what is not.

To take it one step more with that statement, I'm even more grateful that God decides what is important, what is urgent, what can wait, and what should be ignored.

What it must be like to see it all from the big picture, and know the need before it is needed... To know what seems so important to us is actually rather insignificant... To see what we view as "URGENT" and know that it can actually wait, or vice versa.

I'm so glad I'm not in charge.  And no offense, but I'm so glad you're not in charge either!

Just Between You & Me

This morning, in the course of random thinking.  (It's a scary, but fun sport.)  I wondered how many people a long the way have I unintentionally hurt.  We've all done it, and everyone at some point has been hurt in this way.  And no, I'm not talking about sarcasm or passive aggressive behavior.  I mean flat out not realizing that your words or actions are hurtful to someone who either took it the wrong way or my brain/mouth filter having a momentary lapse.

Lord, forgive me for anyone I have hurt this way.  And if anyone reading at some point was hurt by something I said or did, I'm sorry.  I would never intentionally do anything to hurt someone, and believe me, if I were angry... you would know.  (Lord, forgive me for that also...)

Today Is The Greatest Day I've Ever Known...

This morning I woke up in a "mood".   I felt sensitive and vulnerable.

I know that some are affected this way by the weather, but I don't believe that was the cause of my outlook.  In fact, I'm feeling down that our rainy days are coming to an end soon.  I love stormy weather, and this week has just been great for me in that sense. I find myself dreading Saturday when it is forecasted to be partly sunny by afternoon.

I started off just annoyed to be awake.  I think we all have a day like that from time to time, right?  I didn't sleep well last night, and the fact that today was already here just really flat out ticked me off.  Then I checked my email and something that I wouldn't normally think twice about made me want to cry.  In general I was feeling down and discouraged, feeling as though doom and gloom were on the horizon. As I went on with my morning, I just kept thinking "I don't want today to be like this!"  I most certainly didn't want to be the cause of anyone else's bad attitude with my negativity, either.

When I was a little girl and a teenager, if I was feeling down, my Grandma would tell me: "Why should you be sad?  We have Jesus!  Read your Bible for a little while and I'm sure you'll feel better."  Grandma was also known for her love of Pollyanna and looking on the bright side.

I figured I'd give it a try this morning. I mean, I read my Bible on a regular basis, but what could it hurt to just stop and read and expect something to cheer me up?

How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him that bringeth good tidings, that publisheth peace; that bringeth good tidings of good, that publisheth salvation; that saith unto Zion, Thy God reigneth!

Isaiah 52:7

Now how does that not make you feel better, huh?  Makes it hard to have a negative outlook, I'll say that much...

Thinking of Grandma & Grandpa...

Replace "tell" with "shout" and you'd have it about right. ;)



Now... what would they say if they knew my tree won't be up until next week. :GASP!: No tree until after the 10th of December? Say it isn't so!

I'm sure the celebration they are having is much better than the one we're having here though.

Wow...

So, I guess it's been awhile since I've put my thoughts into word form on "the world wide web". A great number of things have taken place, that I don't know where to begin. Not only did I give birth to a beautiful baby boy, but thanks to God I survived one of the busiest most emotional times in my entire life.

I endured many sad and/or stressful moments along with many great ones. I welcomed my 2 oldest children home and then held back the tears as I sent them on their way once again. I met my newborn son, John Benjamin, just 2 1/2 weeks after my cousin Benjamin Paul went home to be with Jesus much too soon. I felt guilt for the fact that I was gaining a son as my Uncle lost his. I fought for weeks with prodromal labor before finally being induced and being lucky enough to win a dural puncture. We moved into a new home while I was recovering from childbirth & breastfeeding. At 35 weeks pregnant I somehow didn't have a nervous breakdown when a wild fire blazed behind our home & my 3 children cried in fear. (Didn't say I wasn't crying too...)

I could go on and on, but my point is that thanks to God I survived. Was it the hardest time of my life? Not even close. But that's what makes it that much more beautiful. God is there when things are good, bad, and also mixed up somewhere in between. He's just that awesome, and I'm so grateful for that.

Laminin

This is a video that Rhonda B. (A great lady that I've known forever...) from KY posted on Facebook yesterday morning. I found it to be really cool and just thought that I'd share it here.

Just more proof of how awesome God is...

The Home Stretch...

Finally! We're almost there!

I've had a couple of personal countdowns going on lately. 3 major ones especially. All of them are closing in, and I cannot tell you how happy and relieved I am that the D-days are getting closer!

1: Jeff and Becca arrive in just a little more than a week. It's going to feel so amazing to have all of my babies under one roof and know when I lay my head down at night that they are all just down the hall. (Well, except for the one that is with me constantly, but we'll get to that in a minute.) Even though it's only temporary, I will enjoy it thoroughly!

2: By the day Jeff and Becca arrive I hope to launch The Carnahan Family website. As I've stated before, this has been 2 years in the making. It will definitely always be a "work in progress" as there are always more pictures to be found/scanned/snapped etc. But the majority will be complete. On the agenda now is to finish sorting/tagging/labeling the photos, complete the message board, and set up a home page. (ATTENTION: This site is going to be stalker proof. Not stalker retardant or resistant. Proof. I hate to disappoint, but no. You will not be able to find out added information about Bobby or I on that website unless you are an approved user. Sorry, gotta draw the line on stalker access at some point. No fun, I know. Especially since our other family site is "down" and this is pretty much the only "public" site left.)

3: Last, but certainly not least, the arrival of Johnny D. As of yesterday, I am not only 29 weeks pregnant but he has dropped. Yes, this has added some more discomfort. (I've been on a hiatus from life as it seems since last Monday when I ended up in L&D for a pulled round ligament muscle and sciatic nerve pain.) However, I'm getting to where I realize it's not too much longer that I'll have this baby under my heart. I'm enjoying every kick and squirm. Even at night, though I wish he'd let me sleep a little more since I know he's going to be keeping me up at all hours once he arrives. I can't wait to hold my new baby, see what he looks like, introduce him to his brothers and sister... and not have to hear one more single person whine and complain about his name, the spelling, what nickname he will go by, or what they think the name should be or sounds like! It will be on a legal document and done! And if you complain then, well, you're just being cruel to a sweet little innocent baby who never did anything to you. (Whew, sorry... don't know where that came from... silly hormones...)

With all 3 of these exciting events, I feel so blessed to be a part. God has truly blessed me. I have an amazing husband with whom I have amazing children, and came from an amazing family. (It's all just AMAZING!)

Sometimes in everyday life, it's easy to forget just where you came from, and why you are where you are. Thankfully, I can say I'm in a good place. I know this is so mostly because of the prayers of my grandparents, parents, other family members, and good friends along the way. I was raised in a Godly home and instilled with values that will never leave me. Though some of us have drifted due to time and distance, by starting this website I've begun keeping up with other relatives that I might not have otherwise and feel blessed to have those connections. Who knows what else will come of it? Maybe nothing, but you never know.

So here I go, down the last stretch of road. I am so looking forward to just sitting back and enjoying what I've worked for and what God has given me. It's going to be good. I just pray that God keeps his hand on my little (though I guess a family of 5 isn't so little, is it...) family (my big extended one too!) as all these countdowns come to an end. It will be so nice to have something tangible from each once they are all 3 complete. :)

I Am Blessed...

A great many things have occurred not only in my life, but in the lives of those I know and love... and even some I've never met... to cause me to once again realize just how blessed I truly am lately. While I always "know" in my heart that I'm blessed, I don't take for granted the reminders that sometimes have to be put in front of me.

• God has given me a caring husband, who would never hurt me and (almost) always thinks of my feelings. (He is human, after all...)
• My children are healthy. While my oldest 2 may not live under my roof most of the year, they are most certainly healthy and safe.
• I am healthy. Sure, a little overweight with annoying acne and gallstones. But nothing life threatening.
• I have a family that loves me.
• I have friends that seem to be there when I need them.
• My church is amazing and a great place to attend worship. Always involved with reaching out not only to those who attend, but to the surrounding community also.
• I have a roof over my head. We may have a pincher bug invasion under way, but it's a cute old house that I still love and will continue to love until we maybe hopefully someday buy a cute new house, lol. We have heat when it's cold, air conditioning when it's hot, and electricity with running hot/cold water.
• I'm never hungry for any longer than necessary. There is food in my pantry.

I really could continue this list on and on and on and on... But I think I made the point that was needed. Never take anything for granted. Just because it is here today, it may not be tomorrow. Love your loved ones, appreciate the small things, and never forget that tomorrow everything can change.

Further on that note, I would like to send out my condolences to Linda Truesdale and family on the passing of her husband Larry yesterday. I have known them both most of my life. While we all know that Larry is in the presence of Jesus, he will be missed.

Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Jared! Wow, you're like, 26... who knew you'd make it this far without severing a limb or something? Be thankful! LOL

Ironing Out The Irony ~ Part Deux

Yes, I did it. I said deux, not two. No, this blog will not be as exciting as a Charlie Sheen movie sequel, but I chose this phrasing none the less. Get over it, I've had a long day and didn't sleep much last night. I can be a geek if I want to.

So, ironic fact of my life that I'm going to point out today: Dental issues in our home.

Bobby (doesn't he look so handsome?! Gosh...) has been severely miserable over the last month or so, off and on, due to dental procedures. Scratch that, let's just say what it was. He had a WHOLE bunch of teeth removed. Not all at once either... Poor guy went through a lot. The last procedure they had to actually cut... I'm not going to go into detail, but I don't know how he survived. I wouldn't have. (Anesthesia didn't take... and it got pretty gruesome to unusual levels.) He's only just in the last day started to feel a little better. My poor sweet amazing husband has gone through so much with this and endured pain, agony, and strife all while continuing to work (even when he was home, he was working) and take care of our family. Some of the time without pain medications, and even when he was taking them they weren't working! It was AWFUL (emphasized just for him) watching the love of my life go through all this and knowing I couldn't do anything to help, but in the long run we both know he is going to feel so much better.

Enter in the irony:

About the same time as when Bobby started having these teeth removed, Tommy started teething again. The kid hadn't cut a tooth for about 6 months, was going about his business with only 6 teeth just fine and dandy. Showed very little signs of teething and didn't really seem like he was going to for at least a few more weeks when BAM! There he was. Up off and on most nights, not napping well during the day, drooling, pain, fussy, upset tummy, lack of appetite, (says A LOT for him!) fever, restless, hyper, etc etc etc... And it wasn't just one or two teeth either. He seems to be popping a tooth a day the last few days, all on the left side. (He chews more on this side) and is really gumming a lot on the other. If he continues, in a few days his entire left side will be filled in! (I'm not gonna lie, him having a mouth full on one side and not on the other is kind of weird/funny... but from experience I know in time his mouth will be full of teeth.) Poor baby, he's been almost as miserable as his Daddy. Both of my guys going through all of this at the same time was not only taxing for all of us, but very heart wrenching for me. Nothing I could do for either! Hopefully Tommy finds some relief soon. Whether it be that his teeth all just cut quickly with little pain or he gets a small break from teething for a bit.

I didn't dare complain about something being stuck in my tooth, the fact that my wisdom teeth are 10 years overdue to be removed, or need of whitening... or how much I would like to get invisalign. These boys would kill me! I can honestly say I have learned a new appreciation for my boys and my lack of serious dental issues.

Just goes to show the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away... (Har har har...)

Seriously though, it is a true point. Ironic the timing of this all in our home though. Hopefully all of this will be done for Bobby by the time Johnny starts teething in about a year or so. Yikes!

Ironing Out The Irony...

So, this is my younger brother Jared. (Yes, I stole this pic off myspace, get off my back. It's his most recent upload so I found it fitting...)

Jared and I grew up together, of course, being full blooded siblings and all. In other words: We lived in the same house and experienced the same things. Being different genders we both walked away with different takes on life from our upraising, even though we are only 19 months apart. This is noticeable in the most obvious ways, and not so obvious ways as I found out last week...

Jared has recently begun relocating to Northern California with his girlfriend Ashly. (I don't know her very well, but she seems like a nice girl and she makes Jared ridiculously happy. Maybe someday they will give me a dark haired niece or nephew that I can spoil insanely and send home at the end of the day... no pressure! ) Being that Jared is ridiculously happy, he wanted to surprise his girlfriend with a nice dinner though he had few items in the house and no time to run to the store. Who does he call for advice? Me. I received this as an extreme compliment, as he flat out told me he was calling me because I'm a good cook. (I know, I was surprised too...)

So, I asked what he had on hand. Frozen chicken. Then he asked if I ever used frozen chicken and had any ideas what to do with it. Really? Seriously?! I choked on laughter, and if you've been reading this blog for very long you know why. I tried not to get to excited and exclaim the magic and glory of all that is available to you at a low cost and convenience with frozen chicken on hand... I'm not going to say that was easy, but I did it.

Seriously, how is this not the most ironic thing of my week? My little brother, who grew up in the same home I did where Grandma baked frozen chicken AT LEAST once a week, if not twice has never heard of what to do with frozen chicken or even if it's any good? REALLY? And then calls ME, of all people, to ask what to do with it? Made my day... OK, yeah, my week. Love it. Had to share, whether you people care at all or not.

Just goes to show, you can come from the exact same place. Same upbringing. Same blood. Same parents. Etc, etc, etc... and have a completely different outlook than the person next to you. How many times in life do we need to remember that we are all different from one person to the next and that we may not all have the same take? Really makes you think... Or at least it made me think... obviously.... Be concious of other people!!!

My point: Don't you love how God will grab your attention with the most everyday thing like your little brother asking you for a recipe? Amazes me!

P.S. He told me later that the dinner came out excellent and his girlfriend loved it. The art of knowing how to handle frozen chicken must run in our blood...

Quick Mention...

REALLY liking this song... Bobby even mentioned the words "Not Bad" when I asked what he thought of it... ENJOY! Not just great lyrics, but I also enjoy every other aspect of the song!




I definitely plan on buying the album when it releases in May!

I've had some Jars Of Clay popping up on my iPod lately, and I forgot just how much I love them. One of my favorites: (Video quality isn't the best...)



Grace

God, I admit I haven't changed
Playing card houses still covering my landscape
I never expected You to stay
When I'm grabbing for these crumbs and cold loose change

I feel Your grace come running over every road
I love the way You're calling overflow
I feel Your grace come running over every road
You break the floodgates down and carry all

God, I admit that I've loved these chains
And crawling around this cage sometimes has its advantages
I know someday this could get old
And I'll need Your healing water to find my home

Another "old" song I've been listening to a lot lately that is rather spiritually emotional...




Okay, so since I listened to that last tear jerker and am now crying, I better go wash my face and finish preparing dinner...

If the month is shorter, why aren't my bills cheaper?

So here I am, writing a quick blog as Tommy sits next to me on his horsey. He loves this toy! He's also been carrying on "conversations" with me as he sits here. I was working on my "to do" list for the next week and when I would ask him if I was forgetting anything he would exclaim "YEAH!" I'd then ask, "Okay, what is it?" He would then go on with what appeared to be a tangent or an excitable need using hand gestures and all. Bobby and I were laughing so hard, trying to guess by his hand gestures what he could be saying. Break dancing? Learn Karate? Do the robot? He needs Ritalin already? There is no telling, but this kid is so much fun. He brings back so many memories of Jeff and Becca at this age, but yet all three are so different.

Also, just as my children are all different, so are my pregnancies. So many people, my Dr included, refer to me as an "expert" or such in this area. Yes, I do have quite a bit of experience from all of my pregnancies, miscarriages, childbirths, and newborn care. But expert? Just last night I was thinking "I have no idea what to do!" No, it wasn't an emergency. I just seem to be carrying very differently than I have with any of my other pregnancies. None of my pants fit right! I had to go out and buy a new pair that have a different belly panel than any other pair I've had so that I didn't feel confined. I'm much more tired than I remember being with any of the others, and the pregnancy dreams are different also. Every child is a gift from God, I just can't help but wonder what God has in store for this child and our family. So exciting!

I can never blog enough about how blessed I am to have the man I married. He's been in so much agony this week with health & dental issues but still makes an effort to pitch in and be a supporting husband & father. In today's world, this is such a blessing. So many men only care about themselves. I hope I never take him for granted, though I doubt I will because each day he does something that reminds me how lucky I am... and I doubt he even realizes it.

I can't believe in 2 weeks both of my little boys will be a year older. Their birthdays are just 2 days apart. Tommy will be 1, but Jeff, my first baby, will be 8. I still remember 8 years ago right now, being 1 day from my due date and crying, begging, pleading with him to JUST BE BORN! At the time I just couldn't wait to hold him and kiss him and love him forever. Now I'd do anything to hug him everyday. He knows Mommy loves him though.

Tommy's birthday party planning is just about done. I've purchased all the decorations and favors. The day before the party we'll buy the food, etc. Sometime today or tomorrow Bobby and I plan to go down and order the cake. It's gonna be such a fun day!

One little tidbit I need to throw in... I have found that all I need to make me smile, whether I'm happy, sad, or somewhere in between (which could be all of those in 5 minutes thanks to stupid pregnancy hormones, lol), is Tommy touching his belly button and saying "beddybuddon!" He doesn't seem to realize it is two words, and he's so serious when he says it that I can't help but giggle. Now I'm working on teaching him to say "one" and hold up his index finger when someone asks how old he is. He could care. LOL.

Well, time for me to log off of here! Have lots to do and need to start preparing things for dinner. I promised Bobby oven fried potatoes and eggs. (The recipe can be found here.) They are rather scrumptious and have quickly become a favorite in our home!

Well well well...

Christmas is over. :(

That was fast, as it always is. Just as soon as I get used to the rush and excitement it's time to wind it up. I shopped, wrapped, baked cookies, decorated the house, made Christmas dinner, and watched quite a few Christmas movies. I was shocked with how well I stayed organized, lol. But we really did have a nice Christmas Season this year. Though it was hard not having Jeff and Becca here, I knew they were having a blast at their Dad's and found peace in that.

Thomas LOVED opening presents, and even more so enjoyed realizing that those presents were toys. Bobby was happy with the gifts he received, as was I.

Thankfully, I made it through most of the month without my morning sickness escalating too much. I kept praying "Just let me make it through Christmas without getting too sick..." Well, that's how it went! After dinner Christmas Day it hit and it's barely let up for a few moments here and there since then. But that's OK, it's all worth it for us to be able to add on to our family the way we'd like to. I'm starting to feel more and more pregnant and getting more excited. It's so hard to believe that I'm going through all of this again already, but in a way nice since I did this recently it's a little more familiar than that last gap of 5 years.

I told Jeff and Becca over the phone this morning that they were going to have another brother or sister. Becca was excited and shocked. "You aren't supposed to have another baby until Thomas is 3." Where she got this from, I'm not sure. Her and Jeff are 22 months apart and others that she knows have had babies closer together. The only thing I can think of is that I may have said something similar right after I had Thomas (We're talking a week or so...) when she asked if we could have another one right then. She said she was excited as long as I have a girl this time. I told her it's up to God and that maybe he'll answer her prayers for a baby sister. When Jeff heard he thought I was joking, though he also asked for another baby this last Summer. I wonder when he'll realize I'm not lying... and what he'll think about it.

On top of it all... The excitement of the holidays and my pregnancy along with the upcoming New Year, Bobby and I are celebrating our 2ND wedding anniversary. 2 years ago today Bobby and I drove up to Vegas and got married. It was the best decision I've ever made and he's been such a gift to me. I'm so lucky that I get to spend the rest of my life with him and thank God every day for bringing Bobby my way. He gave me a card on Christmas Eve claiming I was the best Christmas Gift he ever received (we met right before Christmas), however I'm pretty sure he stole this line from me and though I LOVED the card, I do believe he was my gift. The one that nothing else will ever compare to.

This blog has really been nothing but a ramble. Think I care? Not really. Hope you all had a great Christmas and have a Happy New Year!

For the first time in my adult life, I am really dissappointed in my country

HEY! Michelle Obama! I bet you're really proud, now, right?

Well, guess what... let's go over this again in 4 years. I have a feeling that smug attitude is going to be knocked down just a wee bit (though not likely much...) and you'll realize you were all in over your head when you hand our nation over to someone who knows what their doing because your husband is inexperienced and arrogant. What a mess that's going to be to clean up, ugh.

Lord, help us all... Even so, come quickly Lord Jesus!

Just around the corner...

Jeff and Becca - Christmas 2007

Jeff and Becca - Christmas 2003

Not long now and we'll be getting out the boxes of decorations and ornaments, baking, cooking, singing, etc. etc. etc.

CHRISTMAS! YAY!

I've decided to distract myself from all the political stuff today and think about something exciting!

This year is a special one, as it's Tommy's first. I've already begun a LONG wish list for him, as the poor kid really doesn't have many toys. It's going to be so much FUN!

Jeff and Becca will likely arrive the day after Christmas as this is their year to spend with their Dad. I'm completely up in the air on what to get them this year, but either way I can't wait to see the looks on their faces when they open their presents!

I have a few ideas of things to get Bobby, but I'm really uncertain. I've got ideas for stocking stuffers for sure. Hard to say. I'll likely be looking into more ideas today... If Tommy allows me the computer time.

I'm also starting to think about all the baking I'd like to get done. I've decided I'm going to start baking cookies in the next week and freeze them so that there will be less money to spend at once and less work to be done in those few final days before we celebrate the birth of JESUS! There will for sure be pies, maybe a cake, definitely some casseroles, Mmm... I love holiday food... TOO much! Just look at me!

Did I mention the gift list? Naturally, this year's is going to be shorter than usual due to the economy being what it is, but I still have a few key people I'll be buying for. Seriously, this is my favorite part!

And then there are our Christmas cards. I'm debating just doing a "Photo Card" or also including an "update letter". I know some people find these annoying, but that there are also those who might like to know what we're up to. We'll see... Such decisions. :sigh:

It's gonna be wonderful! I CAN'T WAIT!!!