Better Than Expected...

11 years ago today was by far one of the worst days of my entire life.  What took place the night before and the result that was caused was so devastating I'm not sure I can bring myself to really type about it.  I've only spoke about it with a few chosen people, it's just so personal.  Am I holding on to anger and bitterness in this situation? No. I've let go of that and moved on as far as this goes.  It's just that the memories break my heart sometimes.

If on that day, you had told me I would be here happily married to a good man with 4 children, I would have doubted it to ever happen. I felt as though all my dreams were crushed.  I wasn't even sure I deserved to be happy as I must have done something to deserve all the horrible things that were taking place. (I later woke up and realized I did nothing, whatsoever, that would justify what had happened to me.)  I questioned God as to why he was allowing this all to happen, to strip my motherhood from me before I had even held a child in my arms.  To have the person who was supposed to care for me more than anyone betray me and cause such pain.  It's all so clear now, though.  I will never forget my Grandma telling me "Just give it time, you're going to look back at this, and while it's still going to hurt, you are going to be so happy it happened now instead of later. It will all make sense then."  Thank you, Jesus, because she was so right.  (She almost always was, after all.)

Some things I've learned, whether directly through this circumstance or during reflection in the time since, are:

• That there is truth to the statement God will never give us more than we can handle.  
• While trials I've been through over the years have been pretty tough, there is always going to be someone who is worse off.
• Even when I feel all alone, as though no one even hears my prayers, Jesus is there.  Just waiting for the right time. 
• Abuse, miscarriages, deceit, betrayal, & infidelity are all horrible hurtful things, but putting faith in God can almost make you forget the pain of it all.
• There is nothing like finding your true love, and NO ONE should settle for less than the best.  If you can see yourself living happily without them in the future, then it's probably not meant to be.  As my Aunt told me, "If in 10 years you don't see them, don't waste your time now."

Will I ever forget February 23rd, 1999?  Never.  Have I grown from what happened?  Yes.  Life has been so much easier since I was able to stop, look back, and see the big picture... and while it was tough at the time, it's only a memory now.  Besides, it just makes Heaven that much sweeter... And now here I am, with a great marriage, amazing husband, and the best kids anyone could ask for.  All is much better than expected... as a matter of fact, it's a dream come true.

Me + IUD = STOT

Okay, first of all, I want to state 2 things.

1: This blog is based solely on my experience and/or opinion.  This is just how this situation affected me, and it may not affect anyone else in the same way.  I am not looking to "talk trash" about any one company or person.  Just relating my adventure out to the world.

2: This blog is about my recent experience over the course of 4 months with an IUD. An IUD is an intrauterine device... used for birth control...In case you still aren't grasping this... I'm going to be writing about a piece of equipment that was installed in my uterus to keep me from getting pregnant.  If you can not handle hearing the details of this, please do not read.

So, on with the show...

There I was, 6 weeks after Johnny was born at my postpartum check up, faced with the question I had been dreading to hear my Dr. ask.  "What would you like to do for birth control?"  Why do I hate this question, you ask?  Well, I'll tell you... because NOTHING works.

- Pills? They have either failed in the past, meaning I got pregnant, or it would send me into a strange depression, or cause me to have other complications. (Constant spotting, weight gain, massive acne (worse than usual), migraines, etc.) No, I didn't just need to try a different brand. I've been on at least 10 different prescriptions for birth control pills. Possibly more.

- Nuva-ring? Ugh, I hated that one. (Remind yourself I warned you about TMI) First few months were okay, then 2 months in a row I had HORRIBLE cramping with Nuva-ring, but light bleeding for the first few hours... then suddenly I would feel dizzy, nauseated - eventually vomiting, and as though my uterus were in a vice when I would suddenly shed what seemed to be my entire uterine lining at once.  Just one huge clot.  Obviously, I refused to continue using that.

- Depo-provera? I was sick/bleeding the entire time the shot was effective.  It was believed I possibly had a miscarriage during the use also.  But keep in mind when I say sick, I mean Dr's sending me in for lab work every week trying to figure out what was wrong with me, losing 20lbs and then gaining 40, swollen spleen and liver, & massive body aches and pain among other things. Not just sick with the sniffles. Sick.

- Rhythm method? Sure... until I realized I was a forgetful clutz and would forget to track dates and temperatures.

- Condoms, film, spermicide, etc... Well, looks like that's my only option now...

- I should also mentioned that none of my children were planned. Two of them there were "talks" of having a baby in the near future, but no active trying.  In fact, it was being prevented every time.  That should give you an idea as to why this whole subject is just not a fun one for me.

I sit there with my Dr and we go over all of these options.  He says it's clear with my reaction to the pills I should not be taking anything with hormones, and should have never tried the other hormone methods as they do the same thing.  Then he says what my ears always were scared but excited to hear... "How about we try a copper IUD?"

For years I've looked into IUDs.  They both terrified me and yet seemed so liberating.  Nothing to remember, complete freedom.  But yet... it's a copper appliance inside your uterus and that just seems so strange.  How is it not painful?  I talked to a few people I knew with them in the past and they always said they loved them... but then there were those reviews I'd read on the internet that referred to them as torture devices... and that risk of a perforated uterus... and though these are completely different than the copper IUDs that turned women's insides into mush a couple decades ago, how do we know just how safe they really are? Oh, the torment of debating this back and forth... but going with this seemed to be my last option other than barrier methods and going back to counting/charting.  I sat and stared... "I want to go with this, but I'm scared!" My Dr laughed, mocked me, and then asked the million dollar question: "Scared of what? The pain of insertion? Would you rather go through the pain of another childbirth?"

Obviously, I agreed, accepted a pamplet on Paragard (the brand name of the IUD) and went on my merry way.  2 weeks later it was inserted.  Oh my good Lord in Heaven... I'm not cursing or saying God's name in vain, I'm literally saying I wouldn't have made it through that without crying if I had not been praying.  After I was dizzy and had to lay down for about 20 minutes on the exam table.  When I got up and dressed to leave, the nurse asked me to please stay and rest a little longer, as I apparently looked very pail.  Since my Mom was driving me I felt safe to go ahead and go.

The what I thought at the time was intense cramping lasted about 2-3 days.  Like a really bad period, but I thought it was worth it.  The bleeding stopped on day 7.  After that, everything seemed to be going great.  Went in for my check up to make sure insertion went well and that there was no infection 4 weeks later.  All was going great, I had no complaints....

That is until the next week, the day after Thanksgiving, when I started my first period.  I was floored.  Couldn't hardly move.  I had been warned that the pain/flow of menstruation could increase, even dramatically, with the IUD, but I didn't realize it would be like this.  After a day, I was feeling better, and decided to push through it and go on out and get my Thanksgiving sale shopping done.  A couple days go by, and my hormones seem to be severely off balance.  I'm usually emotional during this time of the month, but this was insane.  The pain wasn't letting up, and after 6 days it was getting worse.  I finally gave in and went to urgent care where I was given pain meds and told to take it easy.  The Dr there suggested I just have it removed, but I felt that after all that trouble I needed to give it a few months. What a mistake!

That was November.  Between then and early February I was bleeding 2 weeks out of every 4.  My energy levels most of the time were at a complete low.  What little energy I had went to taking care of my 2 young boys.  Some days Bobby had to work from home or use sick days to care for me and the little ones.  I had already made an appointment with my Dr for February to just give up and have it taken out. I was done... but then I ended up worse and in the emergency room with pain at a level of 9-10/10, vomiting, light headed, and other symptoms.  I just wanted the ER Dr to take it out, but he didn't feel comfortable doing so.  I was given shot of  morphine, more pain killers to take home, something to stop the vomiting, and the suggestion to not do much.  You know, because I was out running marathons and climbing mountains all this time.

On the day of my removal, I was nervous and scared.  My Dr asked, "Is it just not working out for you?"  I replied, "I would rather give birth than to deal with this.  Having 4 more kids would be easier than this!" He said "Well, okay then. Sorry about that."  What more could he say, though, right?

Surprisingly, it all went well.  No pain. No bleeding. Just a sudden feeling of relief, as though my body had been trying to rid itself of it the entire time. (Kind of a no brainer that it had been, right?)  My Dr warned me that it may take my cycle a few months to get back to "normal" as far as the pain level/flow is concerned.  Well, here I am, first cycle. Pain is worse than what my periods were before, but NOTHING compared to having satan's tool of torture in my womb. (That was my pet name for my IUD... some might name theirs something cute like Betsy or Penny, this was what I named mine.  STOT for short.)  I am optimistic, though, that in a few months I will be back to normal and not camped out on the couch every month.  I guess all I can do is take it as a learning experience... a learning experience for what, I don't know.  But if I look at it in any other way and sit and think of the months of my life wasted in unnecessary pain I might just start crying, and I feel like I've done enough of that.

Now, having said all that... if you should be happening to consider an IUD, don't take my experience as something that happens to everyone.  From what I understand, most women don't have this reaction... but some do.  Educate yourself and know what to expect.  And the first month if you are in treacherous pain, don't wait thinking it'll get easier... If you can't take it, remove it. Don't waste your time, miss out on Christmas day activities, friends and families events, church, and have everything in your life fall behind. It's just not worth it.  I do hope it works out though, because for those who I have talked to that have had them without problems say they are wonderful... :(  Oh well.

Edited to add: I don't know what the heck is going on with the formatting on this entry.  It irritates me, too, trust me. I didn't do this blindly and not realize I was doing it wrong. I'm giving up on trying to fix it though... Sorry it bugs!

TGIF!!!

Ahhhh, Friday.  And I am in such a good mood...

Fridays are different from any other day of the week.  People are happier, making them usually nicer.  Everyone is excited and anticipating what the weekend might hold for them.  Life seems to be more laid back, whether you work or not.  And for those of us who attend church, we have Sunday to look forward to!

See, I love Fridays.  Sometimes that means Bobby works from home, and other times it means that the boys & I are that much closer to having him home to ourselves for 2 days.  Dinner is usually something simpler, but always delicious... & since I've been dieting Friday is sometimes my "cheat night".  

Today, however, I have 2 more reasons to be in a good mood!  

When I went in to get dressed my pants were just way too big... not loose, BIG! WOO-HOO!!!

I decided to step on the scale and check things out... only to find I've officially lost 15lbs!!!

Now, if I could just get more disciplined with the exercise, so I can continue to lose at the pace I have been...  or more... The only downside to all this weight loss was in the beginning I didn't realize how much red meat I ate on a regular basis and I'm pretty sure I lost some iron, making me slightly fatigued.  I'm feeling better now that I'm taking a supplement, but still struggle with sticking with a routine.  I actually enjoy working out, a whole lot more than I thought I would... I think I'm just getting bored doing the same old thing.  I plan to get a cardio dvd in the next few weeks and hope that will break the feeling that this is tedious I get at times... until then, I've got to buckle down and just keep with it!  

We'll see how that goes... Right now I just want to sit on the couch with my snuggie and play with the boys.  This weather doesn't help with the "get up and go" attitude I need to have.  Gotta get moving though!  Hmm... this is my struggle. I'll let you all know how it goes.

There Was This One Time I Was Going To Do The Right Thing...

This morning I only got in 26 minutes of cardio.  Since my set goal is 30 mins per day, I figured "no biggie, I'll come back in and get in another 20 mins or so this afternoon, which would be even better."

Sure enough, my parents asked to take the boys this afternoon, and I thought I was finally going to have my chance... Until as I was walking to answer the door I stubbed my toe on Johnny's bouncy seat and now here I lay on the couch.  Peaceful quiet home, my heart full of anger towards my toe, and my tummy rumbling & begging for a snack.

I so badly want to eat some junk food right now. Grrrr...

I CAN DO THIS!!!!

Johnny & Tommy playing together this morning. 

Such sweet boys!

If Only...

Once upon a time I was a different person.  I rarely doubted anyone.  I took each person for what they said they were.  I forgave most simply because they said they were sorry for some of the most hurtful heartbreaking things that had been done to me. And I dropped everything at a moment's notice to be there for friends who needed me.

Sadly, like most people in this world, I have changed.  I was hurt, deeply, in several different instances where those that I loved and considered dear friends betrayed me in one way or another.  I didn't change overnight, it was after being hurt repeatedly to different degrees by various loved ones over the course of years and allowing the hurt and frustration to build up.  

In trying to move past the pain, I blocked out the memory, sometimes almost "deleting" the person from my memory to the best of my ability and pretending the hurt never happened.  "They're dead to me" I would so easily exclaim if someone asked me when I last talked to the person, proud of my hardened heart and letting the world know that my ego was not bruised but instead stroked.

Obviously, this is ineffective as the hurt is still there, growing, causing me to be doubting, flaky, and distrusting of others.  Besides, as soon as in some way or another whether by running across an old picture of different people, hearing another speak of them, or running into them the pain was quickly remembered as though a bandage was ripped away from the wound, taking the stitches with it and leaving all my anguish exposed.  I talk myself down from the anger.  "That person has no idea.  And look who I am now in spite of all they did to hurt me!  They have suffered such a loss to not know me any longer!  All of the happiness they claim to have now is fake, because they certainly don't deserve it. I dare them to attempt to do the same thing to me now.  They'd have another thing coming!"  Only to realize very quickly "They probably could care less about anything to do with me." 

And here is where it comes full circle...

The reality smacks me right in the face because I KNOW that there are people out there that I've hurt, whether intentional or unintentional, that I could care less about what is going on in their lives or where they are now.

Ouch.  "What kind of person am I?  That's just disgusting!  I wasn't raised to be this way!  Forgive and forget, love one another!"

It seems just in the last few months I've been tossed in with memories of many different past hurts and had to deal with them.  Sometimes so overwhelming, not understanding why, my only option was to cry and have a pity party.  Just a few moments ago I was asking God "Why do I have to go through all this, dealing with all of these people so close together?"  I wasn't even done asking when I realized it's because something needs to change.  I learned at a woman's conference I attended years ago as a teenager that in order to move past the hurt, grow from it, and heal you must forgive those that hurt you.  

Now, I'm going to be honest, as much as I say I forgive everyone for whatever they did to me, there are probably 2 or 3 that I don't want to forgive.  1 of those people I forgave for one of the worst things a person could do to another mother only to be betrayed nearly the same way all over again months later.  I realize that forgiveness doesn't mean I have to be friendly, but just the simple act of letting go of the hurt and sometimes anger seems impossible. Why should that person be forgiven for such a horrible thing?  I guess the answer is simple, because if I don't I'm living in sin and as long as I carry this burden around I'm going to be unhappy.  I don't want to be this person who doesn't take people for their words, doubts every single persons motive for being nice to me, assuming every friend I have secretly hates me.  Why should everyone in my life now pay for the sins of those that were in my life in the past?

If only everyone had a stamp on their foreheads to state whether they were trustworthy, and meter to show just how real or fake they really are...

That's not how it is, though.  This is real life.  Time for me to pick myself back up, again.  Time to dust off my genuine smile, and know that people are being nice to me because they simply like me, not to dig up dirt on a myself, a friend, or family member.  Time to take people for their words, and not second guess every other statement.  

It might take a little time, and that's okay.  I'm damaged, but through forgiveness of others and forgiveness from God, I can be whole again.

These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things...

This song is just amazing. I can't hear it without crying. And written by a man who was an awesome minister who was taken to Heaven much too soon. Thank you, Jesus, for giving this man the talent and the song. It's a perfect explanation of what His love has done for me. And yet I wasn't even born when it was written...

Bobby & I once danced to this song in Ralph's (Grocery store) at 1am after a difficult week. I don't remember particularly why it was a hard week, but I do remember the spontaneity of the moment and the romance of the way Bobby took the bag of Dorito's I was picking out of the bin and threw it aside as we began our waltz over to the bottled water aisle. One of the most romantic moments of my entire life.

I love this song. It's just flat out soothing & peaceful. Just the other night I had a tough night. Okay, I admit. It was a bad hair day that took hours to repair. When this song came on my iPod I stopped, took a deep breath, felt the calm take over me, and was able to accomplish my goal. This song I have played on happy days, sad days, stressful days, and days full of rejoicing. :sigh:

I really can't explain this one. It's been my favorite song since I was a wee teenager. I do know that when I realized I didn't want to be alone forever as I had previously claimed during my divorce was while listening to this song. I wanted to feel "Hysteria". Yeah, I know. Super cheesy. Who cares, go read another blog if you don't want cheese, because me? I'm all about cheese. Especially since Bobby came along. Thanks to him, I know "Hysteria".

LOVE this! Who doesn't?

Okay, just kidding. I was serious about the others though!

More to come as I think of them... I'm tapped out for now.

Just Between You & Me

This morning, in the course of random thinking.  (It's a scary, but fun sport.)  I wondered how many people a long the way have I unintentionally hurt.  We've all done it, and everyone at some point has been hurt in this way.  And no, I'm not talking about sarcasm or passive aggressive behavior.  I mean flat out not realizing that your words or actions are hurtful to someone who either took it the wrong way or my brain/mouth filter having a momentary lapse.

Lord, forgive me for anyone I have hurt this way.  And if anyone reading at some point was hurt by something I said or did, I'm sorry.  I would never intentionally do anything to hurt someone, and believe me, if I were angry... you would know.  (Lord, forgive me for that also...)

This Just In...

Bobby has stated that I am a perfect Mom.  If that is so, I would guess I am perfect in general, right? RIGHT?!

Though I think he was comparing me to this freak (click on freak) and next to her, nearly anyone would look great....

Still, I'm just sayin'... Bobby said I'm perfect.

This blog will be kept on file for future references when complaints are brought up against me and my "perfection".

Note: On January 22nd, 2010, Bobby stated that I am perfect.

Thank you.

P.S. Isn't he HOT!!! I'm seriously one lucky woman to be married to such a perfect father & husband. ;)

Today Is The Greatest Day I've Ever Known...

This morning I woke up in a "mood".   I felt sensitive and vulnerable.

I know that some are affected this way by the weather, but I don't believe that was the cause of my outlook.  In fact, I'm feeling down that our rainy days are coming to an end soon.  I love stormy weather, and this week has just been great for me in that sense. I find myself dreading Saturday when it is forecasted to be partly sunny by afternoon.

I started off just annoyed to be awake.  I think we all have a day like that from time to time, right?  I didn't sleep well last night, and the fact that today was already here just really flat out ticked me off.  Then I checked my email and something that I wouldn't normally think twice about made me want to cry.  In general I was feeling down and discouraged, feeling as though doom and gloom were on the horizon. As I went on with my morning, I just kept thinking "I don't want today to be like this!"  I most certainly didn't want to be the cause of anyone else's bad attitude with my negativity, either.

When I was a little girl and a teenager, if I was feeling down, my Grandma would tell me: "Why should you be sad?  We have Jesus!  Read your Bible for a little while and I'm sure you'll feel better."  Grandma was also known for her love of Pollyanna and looking on the bright side.

I figured I'd give it a try this morning. I mean, I read my Bible on a regular basis, but what could it hurt to just stop and read and expect something to cheer me up?

How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him that bringeth good tidings, that publisheth peace; that bringeth good tidings of good, that publisheth salvation; that saith unto Zion, Thy God reigneth!

Isaiah 52:7

Now how does that not make you feel better, huh?  Makes it hard to have a negative outlook, I'll say that much...

Pete & Repeat Were In A Boat...

Tommy has been  repeating the same 3 phrases A LOT lately.  He is often letting us know he is sorry, thankful, and that he loves us. That is, in addition to making it clear to us that he has no interest in counting from 1-4, but is skilled to boast the number 5-9 and what noises trains make.

All of Tommy's "Thank yous", "I love yous", & "I'm sorrys" warm my heart at how sweet of a guy he can be.  He even says thank you to your thank you.  (He doesn't quite know "your welcome" yet...)  In fact, just the other day I was getting on to him for doing something he wasn't supposed to.  I took away his toy and sat him on time out, at which point he took a breath between wails and said through his tears "THANK YOU".  Though I'm thinking he might of been so upset and didn't realize he wasn't saying I'm sorry.  When he tripped on his brother's seat, he turned, hugged Johnny, and said softly "I'm sorry".  And the abundance of hugs and kisses that go along with his repetitive exclamation of I love you brings one of the greatest feelings a Mom could ever have.

It just makes you wonder... What would the world be like if all of the grown ups used these phrases more often and freely?  Just three simple little phrases.  I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure this planet would be a lot more friendly, less stressed, and willing to help those in need instead of only looking out for #1.

I know, personally, I'm going to make an effort to use these phrases more.  You?

Merry Christmas! Also Happy Anniversary, New Year, Birthday, & MLK!

For most people, the day after Christmas brings a halt to the insanity that has everyone running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Not in this home! No sir, we don't like to keep things boring around here. Since Bobby & I met in person and married in the few days after Christmas, our anniversary falls the day before New Year's Eve. Add to the fact that our daughter's birthday lands smack dab in the middle of January (usually around Martin Luther King Jr. day) and you've got one busy, tired family. We love it all though...

This last week, however, Bobby & I took a break. We sent the 2 little ones to my Mom's for 2 days and locked ourselves in the house. We slept like we've never slept before, ate delicious food, and played Rock Band for hours. (Who doesn't love that game? Seriously?!) I cannot stress enough how wonderful it was to have time alone where we could talk to each other, goof off,  and both of us eat at the same time.  I believe every parent should take one of these "getaways" at least once a year, with a 2 night minimum, if possible.

On that note, I'm so blessed to have a husband who takes the time to do something so valuable for our marriage and sanity.  I'm even more blessed to have parents who love my children and take them for a few days.

Now, let's see if I can lay low and stay off the radar until mid-February... Yeah, right.

(Photo of Johnny included simply because he's a doll!)

Thinking of Grandma & Grandpa...

Replace "tell" with "shout" and you'd have it about right. ;)



Now... what would they say if they knew my tree won't be up until next week. :GASP!: No tree until after the 10th of December? Say it isn't so!

I'm sure the celebration they are having is much better than the one we're having here though.

So There Was This ONE Time I Was Weird...

So, I'm sitting here eating some good ol' cheez-its and thinking of how wonderful of a salty snack they really are. I mean really. Think about it. What is better than cheez-its? Not a whole lot!

Cheez-its have probably been my favorite snack cracker my entire life. I loved them as a kid, as I did just about anything cheese related.

One night, my brother Jared and I were enjoying a box of tasty treats when the horrid realization that we were down to crumbs had come to our attention. Knowing it wasn't likely to happen, we asked the adults in our home to take us to the store to get some more. My Mom was tired from working all day, and our Grandparent's looked at us like we were pretty much insane. I asked if I could make a grilled cheese sandwich then. They granted permission and off to the kitchen I went...

Well, somewhere in the hall way the brilliant idea occurred to me that I could MAKE cheez-its. I mean, how hard could it be, right?

I got out the velveeta, cut it into tiny squares, and placed them on the griddle. Then I loaded on the salt. I was CERTAIN this was going to be fantastic. I had visions of my recipe being listed in the church potluck cook book. I mean, this was going to be the perfect snack, even better than the name brand, right?

Well, Jared was a little skeptical. He felt the need to feed a few pieces to our gold fish Jaws. (Jaws never ate fish food. He ate our left overs. I'm not lying. That fish lived over a year merely on our left overs! He was a carnival prize and lived on green beans, cheese, bread, etc.)

Jaws ate them up. We tried a few, were enjoying our delicacies, and in heaven. I'll never forget what happened next. Jared went to drop another piece in Jaws cereal canister (Like I said, carnival prize. He was one of 100's. My Grandma refused to invest money in a fish that could pass any day...) and it splashed. SPLASHED! Fish water ALL OVER the griddle and plate. I cried.

Naturally the grown ups thought I burned myself cooking, came running, and were horrified. I wasn't allowed to cook again for awhile. Apparently fried cheese is a greasy mess, and is FAR from a healthy cracker snack.

Just felt the need to share that story. Poor Jaws. Probably died of a heart attack due to clogged arteries after all the junk we fed him.

RIP Jaws, RIP.

Wow...

So, I guess it's been awhile since I've put my thoughts into word form on "the world wide web". A great number of things have taken place, that I don't know where to begin. Not only did I give birth to a beautiful baby boy, but thanks to God I survived one of the busiest most emotional times in my entire life.

I endured many sad and/or stressful moments along with many great ones. I welcomed my 2 oldest children home and then held back the tears as I sent them on their way once again. I met my newborn son, John Benjamin, just 2 1/2 weeks after my cousin Benjamin Paul went home to be with Jesus much too soon. I felt guilt for the fact that I was gaining a son as my Uncle lost his. I fought for weeks with prodromal labor before finally being induced and being lucky enough to win a dural puncture. We moved into a new home while I was recovering from childbirth & breastfeeding. At 35 weeks pregnant I somehow didn't have a nervous breakdown when a wild fire blazed behind our home & my 3 children cried in fear. (Didn't say I wasn't crying too...)

I could go on and on, but my point is that thanks to God I survived. Was it the hardest time of my life? Not even close. But that's what makes it that much more beautiful. God is there when things are good, bad, and also mixed up somewhere in between. He's just that awesome, and I'm so grateful for that.

Alright, I Cave...

Quite a few people have asked me for the recipe for Broccoli and Cheese casserole over the years. There's nothing "special" about it. I guess I just worry that if I give it out I won't have anything to make for potlucks and such. Selfish am I, I know... I was going to make it a special treat on The Carnahan Family website (which I plan to launch this week or next) but realized that some who have asked aren't even close friends or family of my Grandparent's and such, and they would be left out. So, here it is for all of you.

Grandma's Broccoli & Cheese Casserole
(She got the recipe from her sister Darlene...)

Ingredients:

• 1 pkg frozen broccoli; chopped, cooked, & drained.
• 1 cup minute rice (uncooked)
• 1/2 cup milk
• 1 can cream of chicken or cream of mushroom (I use chicken. I believe Grandma did also.)
• 1/2 cup cheez whiz or velveeta (I use velveeta, so did Grandma.)
• Onions to taste (If Bobby is around, this usually means A LOT of onion. Do what you like.)

Mix all ingredients together. Place in casserole dish. Bake at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.

I usually double this recipe, which requires closer to 40-45 minutes.

ENJOY!

The Home Stretch...

Finally! We're almost there!

I've had a couple of personal countdowns going on lately. 3 major ones especially. All of them are closing in, and I cannot tell you how happy and relieved I am that the D-days are getting closer!

1: Jeff and Becca arrive in just a little more than a week. It's going to feel so amazing to have all of my babies under one roof and know when I lay my head down at night that they are all just down the hall. (Well, except for the one that is with me constantly, but we'll get to that in a minute.) Even though it's only temporary, I will enjoy it thoroughly!

2: By the day Jeff and Becca arrive I hope to launch The Carnahan Family website. As I've stated before, this has been 2 years in the making. It will definitely always be a "work in progress" as there are always more pictures to be found/scanned/snapped etc. But the majority will be complete. On the agenda now is to finish sorting/tagging/labeling the photos, complete the message board, and set up a home page. (ATTENTION: This site is going to be stalker proof. Not stalker retardant or resistant. Proof. I hate to disappoint, but no. You will not be able to find out added information about Bobby or I on that website unless you are an approved user. Sorry, gotta draw the line on stalker access at some point. No fun, I know. Especially since our other family site is "down" and this is pretty much the only "public" site left.)

3: Last, but certainly not least, the arrival of Johnny D. As of yesterday, I am not only 29 weeks pregnant but he has dropped. Yes, this has added some more discomfort. (I've been on a hiatus from life as it seems since last Monday when I ended up in L&D for a pulled round ligament muscle and sciatic nerve pain.) However, I'm getting to where I realize it's not too much longer that I'll have this baby under my heart. I'm enjoying every kick and squirm. Even at night, though I wish he'd let me sleep a little more since I know he's going to be keeping me up at all hours once he arrives. I can't wait to hold my new baby, see what he looks like, introduce him to his brothers and sister... and not have to hear one more single person whine and complain about his name, the spelling, what nickname he will go by, or what they think the name should be or sounds like! It will be on a legal document and done! And if you complain then, well, you're just being cruel to a sweet little innocent baby who never did anything to you. (Whew, sorry... don't know where that came from... silly hormones...)

With all 3 of these exciting events, I feel so blessed to be a part. God has truly blessed me. I have an amazing husband with whom I have amazing children, and came from an amazing family. (It's all just AMAZING!)

Sometimes in everyday life, it's easy to forget just where you came from, and why you are where you are. Thankfully, I can say I'm in a good place. I know this is so mostly because of the prayers of my grandparents, parents, other family members, and good friends along the way. I was raised in a Godly home and instilled with values that will never leave me. Though some of us have drifted due to time and distance, by starting this website I've begun keeping up with other relatives that I might not have otherwise and feel blessed to have those connections. Who knows what else will come of it? Maybe nothing, but you never know.

So here I go, down the last stretch of road. I am so looking forward to just sitting back and enjoying what I've worked for and what God has given me. It's going to be good. I just pray that God keeps his hand on my little (though I guess a family of 5 isn't so little, is it...) family (my big extended one too!) as all these countdowns come to an end. It will be so nice to have something tangible from each once they are all 3 complete. :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATHY!

Johnny wanted to post a blog for his Aunt Yoda wishing her a happy day, so here it is!

Help Me Out Here!

Are you a member or friend of the Carnahan family?

Well, I'm in the process of creating our family & friends website. So far I have a photo gallery, (2 years in the making! Almost all of my Grandma's photos and some of my own along with others compiled along the way from other relatives.) a blog, (for us to all contribute our own memories and stories) & a message board (catch up with each other, recipe swap, etc.). Eventually I would like to add video and MP3 (not just of family events, but also Grandpa's preaching and Grandma's piano. Don't get too excited though, this last part may take some time.)



I still have quite a bit more work to do on this before it can be unveiled. I also have quite a few people to track down for updated photos, but may wait to do this after I am finished. There are also still some photos in my Grandma's storage so even when it is "done", it won't be complete. Considering I have a family and home, I am not always able to dedicate the time needed to this project, but I promise I am doing the best I can.



So, all that being said... Are you a Carnahan, Colson, Morris, or Troxel? Maybe a descendant, attended one of Bro. Carnahan's churches, or just a family friend? Do you have any suggestions? Know someone who might be interested in viewing and being a part of this project? Let me know, and I'll add your email to a list to keep you updated and let you know how to be a part!

I'm A Blubbering Idiot: At The Very Most, To Say The Very Least...

Adventures in incubating...

Yesterday Tommy & I ran to the store, and on the way home I decided to listen to the radio. Well, first song to make me cry, naturally, was Darius Rucker's "It Won't Be Like This For Long". I have 3 children, and often long for those days I just couldn't wait to pass... like the first night home with each of them. There I was, bawling on the freeway, while Tommy "sang" along in his car seat behind me.



Well, here's where it gets even stupider... more stupid... whatever! (You don't even know how to SPELL! (What I apparently yelled at my sweet husband in my sleep last night...))

When Bobby and I had been married about 6 months or so, his first father's day as Jeff & Becca's step dad, he made a list of songs he wanted me to hear that either he just liked in general or reminded him of me while I made him a father's day dinner. One was a Brad Paisley song. Since then when I have heard it, I kind of think "awww". Well, yesterday a DIFFERENT Brad Paisley song played on the radio... and there I was, deliriously confused and sobbing at how lucky I am to have him and how far we've come in the last 2 years and 4 months... It wasn't until HOURS later that I realized IT WASN'T EVEN THE RIGHT SONG! Boy, did I feel stupid. I cried for NOTHING! He laughed at this when I told him, I was mad. Gotta love hormones....

So, tell me, which Brad Paisley song do you think was the right one, and which one the wrong?

I Am Blessed...

A great many things have occurred not only in my life, but in the lives of those I know and love... and even some I've never met... to cause me to once again realize just how blessed I truly am lately. While I always "know" in my heart that I'm blessed, I don't take for granted the reminders that sometimes have to be put in front of me.

• God has given me a caring husband, who would never hurt me and (almost) always thinks of my feelings. (He is human, after all...)
• My children are healthy. While my oldest 2 may not live under my roof most of the year, they are most certainly healthy and safe.
• I am healthy. Sure, a little overweight with annoying acne and gallstones. But nothing life threatening.
• I have a family that loves me.
• I have friends that seem to be there when I need them.
• My church is amazing and a great place to attend worship. Always involved with reaching out not only to those who attend, but to the surrounding community also.
• I have a roof over my head. We may have a pincher bug invasion under way, but it's a cute old house that I still love and will continue to love until we maybe hopefully someday buy a cute new house, lol. We have heat when it's cold, air conditioning when it's hot, and electricity with running hot/cold water.
• I'm never hungry for any longer than necessary. There is food in my pantry.

I really could continue this list on and on and on and on... But I think I made the point that was needed. Never take anything for granted. Just because it is here today, it may not be tomorrow. Love your loved ones, appreciate the small things, and never forget that tomorrow everything can change.

Further on that note, I would like to send out my condolences to Linda Truesdale and family on the passing of her husband Larry yesterday. I have known them both most of my life. While we all know that Larry is in the presence of Jesus, he will be missed.

Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Jared! Wow, you're like, 26... who knew you'd make it this far without severing a limb or something? Be thankful! LOL